'Adonis' by Ben Marshall LATEST DRAFT

The most awesome man learns he's not invincible.

'Adonis' by Ben Marshall
002-80 Adonis 2.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 25.5 KB

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Comments: 12
  • #12

    Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 01 May 2019 21:19)

    Love the idea of this, the image is well known, but the reason behind this fall is at least valid and not just posturing for an audience.

  • #11

    Shane Anderson (Thursday, 25 April 2019 10:17)

    Fine script. This guy's a peacock but there is no one to show off to. Maybe he needs to become ever more aware that he is alone. The equipment trembles, a door slams but no-one is there then, when the President's vid appears, it all fits and he believes it more readily.

  • #10

    Lee Crompton (Monday, 25 March 2019 14:21)

    Love the improvements to this, Ben. Zoolander comes a cropper!

    Very, very small point but I think if the motivational slogan could be something like "The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today" ... when there clearly isn't going to be a tomorrow just adds a little something.

  • #9

    Stephanie Ginger (Sunday, 24 March 2019 15:11)

    Hi Ben, love the new draft. Short, spare, funny. Great to film. I really hope somebody makes this!!

  • #8

    Gordon Slack (Monday, 11 February 2019 19:24)

    Simple but powerful story - really like it. Reflecting on the previous comments, maybe when he falls, something with a major brand label could get smashed. Just a thought.

    Best Wishes with this


  • #7

    Ben Marshall (Wednesday, 09 January 2019 19:56)

    Thanks for taking time to read and leave comments Tom, Andrew and Apollo. Much appreciated. Apollo, fair point re gym being empty. I guess I'm thinking the middle of the afternoon when gyms are not busy. I know a gym pretty empty at this time but not nec completely empty. Love the idea of it being the middle of the night in another country but may not be so easy to film and make it authentic. Could have some other gym goers or staff but I do like the solitude of the piece so will think. Re the silence, I do say he is listening to the music (and so then the speech) through headphones so the screen will be silent to us. I will make this clearer however. Thanks again. Ben

  • #6

    Apollo (Thursday, 03 January 2019 20:00)

    A nice little light-hearted piece which could sit nicely between a couple of more serious ones.

    I like Lee's comments. I'm particularly imagining a motivational poster on the wall with a quote about 'Tomorrow' [how it's gonna be the greatest day of your life, or some bullshit].

    A couple of issues for me:
    (a) Why is the gym so empty if the news has yet to be announced? (Unless... maybe it's an all-night gym in Australia? Or Japan, or Manila....)

    (b) You said the TVs are silent, yet later he listens to the President's speech. That needs to be remedied.


  • #5

    Andrew Griffin (Monday, 24 December 2018 17:22)

    Love the comedic finale Ben, we all want to see vanity take a fall, especially a pratt fall. The fatalism of the piece is nicely offset by the ending as well. Some sound effects from the undoubtedly manic streets outside might help in foreshadowing what's about to happen maybe, although the quietude of the piece has its place here. Nice, quick story.

  • #4

    Tim J Hingley (Monday, 24 December 2018)

    I agree with Lees's comments. I also like how everything builds to the point of realisation and particularly how there is no dialogue. I am still stuck in wordy mode! Nice work.

  • #3

    Lee (Saturday, 22 December 2018 23:24)

    No worries Ben. You need someone to shoot a silent, trashy, bubblegum video? Hmmm, let me see �

  • #2

    Ben marshall (Saturday, 22 December 2018 21:02)

    Thanks Lee. Great comments and I can really see how extra visuals could build the story. Love the idea of BMW keys and quotes. Think too there could be fun to be had making the bright dizzy pop video. It would be silent so I doubt too tricky to shoot and could show more images of the material meaningless. Thanks for taking time to feedback.

  • #1

    Lee Crompton (Saturday, 22 December 2018 12:15)

    Love the concept of this script, Ben. For me I think it might be improved if we saw more quick cuts of the material things that are very soon (if not already in normal life) meaningless. The Apple Watch, the latest trainers and phone, the keys to his BMW parked outside, protein bar/drinks the “inspirational” now redundant quotes on the wall ... then the slow realisation it was all for nothing, meaningless until his Apple Watch reaches zero and beeps its final beep. Think you could have some fun with this and some short choppy cuts

Past Drafts...

'Adonis' by Ben Marshall
002-011. Adonis by Ben Marshall 1.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 23.5 KB