A small community hide deep underground. Against the odds they fancy their chances.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Ben Marshall (Sunday, 24 February 2019 10:07)
Thanks for all your comments. Looks like there is consensus which makes the re-draft easier. On reflection I agree the pay off and script will work better with a more dead pan/serious exchange. I was
trying to make it lighter in line with the comic end but I agree it needs to be plausible. Re "Big Tony" this is a visual joke which would be clearer on screen ie Tony is described and will be seen
as a huge miner crouched in a cave. The idea of there being a bigger tony who couldn't hack it is a subtle joke. I agree girl could be older but the idea is that her words are beyond her years. To
surprise the men and audience. Thanks again for taking the time and will work on a new draft. Cheers, Ben
Stephanie Ginger (Friday, 22 February 2019 12:39)
brilliant idea and deftly-written. Nice irony. However:
1) I too was confused about Big Tony (gone up there) and Tony, the Big Miner we see. I understood that the huge ex-miner was the one to stay and we never actually saw Big Tony - so therefore it
doesn't matter what either man is called. If you want to allude to Big Tony being 'even' bigger than the large ex.miner Tony who is now in charge, it might be simpler for Poppy to refer to him as
"Big Dave" (say). As it stands in a piece this length, the joke (although a good one) makes it confusing.
2) Making Poppy 10 might be better and easier to film.
3) Perhaps a bit more tension about the situation wouldn't go amiss. I get that they are quietly complacent about their situation but even if they survive (on beans) they will all have lost someone
Craig Warren (Saturday, 09 February 2019 11:39)
Good ending. I agree with the other comments about tightening up the dialogue and that it seems unnecessary to call the one that left 'Big Tony' as that threw me a bit, as did the lack of Poppy's
name on her continued dialogue. Otherwise, really good.
Gordon Slack (Thursday, 07 February 2019 16:59)
A great idea. I agree with the previous comments plus I have some more:
1. I was confused between the large ex-miner TONY and Big Tony. Apologies if I have completely missed a subtle point here.
2. I feel the desperate circumstances require a more tense script. Also, although the ending gives good humour, the seriousness of the situation needs to come over stronger.
Just my thoughts and best of luck with this idea.
Ricardo Bravo (Tuesday, 05 February 2019 09:27)
Great setup and and even better payback. I have two comments.
1. Tighten up your dialogues. Try to make them sound a bit more in tune with the circumstances. Also, some of the dialogues appear disconnected. For example, when Darren asks how long must they last,
Tony's reply has nothing to do with the question.
2. You state that Poppy is six but her dialogues and attitude are of a much older child (at least 10).
Hope this is useful.