A man desperately tries to get home to his family before the world ends.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Michael (Friday, 22 March 2019 11:28)
Cheers guys. Really appreciate your feedback.
I thought about more build up, with traffic, him running etc but then thought about logistics. More chance of this getting made the simpler this is. Getting a gridlocked situation on a highway or
something like that will be pretty difficult, and with him running I was just aware of time/page restriction but it could be something to add.
In my mind when we meet him he's gone through this stuff already. Somehow managed to get home amongst the madness. So I guess that'd be down to performance to get that across.
Thanks again everyone for your feedback. :)
Jo P (Wednesday, 20 March 2019 18:39)
I couldn't stop reading, the pace was great.
Mark Renshaw (Wednesday, 20 March 2019 12:47)
Powerful, heartwarming. Life finds a way, even if it is just for a few brief moments. It is important and it matters. A great script.
Jo Raggett (Wednesday, 20 March 2019 11:54)
Wow! This made a few tears fall! How heartbreaking. I don't think it needs any tragic back story - this is tragic enough. I do agree with Mark about the traffic though, and maybe have it more obvious
why he's rushing home in the first place - could you have him travelling home already when he hears the news?
Beautiful script though Michael.
Mark Walker (Sunday, 17 March 2019 18:13)
Hi Michael - I like this one! Very moving. My only thought is driving home - I can imagine the roads would be jammed in such an event and he would struggle to drive - so whether there is more tension
to build with him abandoning his car and running home. Think it works regardless, so this is just a thought - tricky with just two pages, and I think you've done a great job anyway!
catherine williams (Monday, 28 January 2019 12:29)
I agree with both comments above! I love the simplicity and purity of this script - man racing home. WHY? To see his baby being born. Baby is born. Wonderful - it can't help but be amazing and
powerful as *then* the impact comes.
But I do agree that it feels like it needs slightly more flavour/meaning. Might be worth digging in a bit deeper if you can bear to...
For example, why haven't they thought of a name yet? Most couples do.
Why Bao? Does it mean something special? Does it mean something to them?
Is he rushing home because he knows she's in labour or because of the terrible news? Is it a surprise to him when he gets home and works out that she is in labour and about to give birth? Is he happy
about this or concerned? Is the baby early? Does he know what to do? How come??
Why is she alone? Is she upset that he's only just come home?
Why is it night? I'm not sure that the action of the day will take place at night, will it?? Something to check with the production team...
Typo: 'synching' her breaths with his
I love that the baby's room is ready - I love that they've been awaiting this baby apparently so lovingly and for so long. Maybe a hint of a backstory - as suggested above - is what is needed...
She's come just in time.
It's interesting that the mother says they will love the baby 'forever'. In context, this is poignant and could be pointed up more. What does 'forever' mean in this moment?
They both seem relatively happy and calm about the impact. Why? Is having this baby all they wanted? Do they feel ready to die now, having achieved this?
I understand you don't want to unpick the momentum of the script as written - it leaps off the page - but it might just be a matter of adding a few touches. A macabre thought that occurred to me
might be that the mother doesn't want the baby to be born, only to die shortly afterwards, whereas Dad wants to see her...
Just musings - please feel free to ignore!
Michael (Wednesday, 23 January 2019 13:43)
I thought about adding more to the beginning myself but the first page for me was really about the mystery of where he was going/who was in the house. To me milking that first bit, adding injury or
what not felt cliché/something you'd see in a zombie movie. Plus i was always thinking about the logistics of making this.
For me it's the simplicity of bao that is endearing. I read some previous efforts to impact where there's a A LOT going on. For a 2 pager I was happy with bao's pace, and authenticity. If they
recieve 50 bonkers stories I can't see them splicing together well.
Adding a back story for the family never even occurred to me because of page restriction but I also couldn't and can't now think of an organic way to slip in a past tragedy without it feeling like
The world is ending while giving birth to new life, it was as simple and devastating as that when coming up with the idea.
Thanks for the feedback, Paul. I'm still open of ways to improve.
Paul (Tuesday, 15 January 2019 12:37)
I feel this needs a bit more substance to it. Something to make it more powerful.
Maybe he has to ditch the car because the road is blocked, and runs the rest of the way, ripping his suit on a hedge, twisting his ankle etc.
Is it their first child? Maybe she was pregnant before but miscarried. That kind of thing.
Up the stakes, make us feel more for them.