'Jerry and Ben Forever' by Tom J Hingley

Two gay ageing hippies face the end together.

'Jerry and Ben Forever' by Tom J Hingley
002-046 Jerry and Ben Forever by Tom J H
Adobe Acrobat Document 33.8 KB

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Comments: 8
  • #1

    Mark Williams (Thursday, 03 January 2019 22:08)

    Hi Tom


    The only comment I have is that maybe you could work in something about an epitaph earlier, to set up the closing line? As though it's something Jerry has been looking for but Ben has refused or delayed, knowing full-well that he has already done it but can't bear to share?

    Really enjoyed it - there's an irreverent tone which really strikes a chord with me.


  • #2

    Tom J Hingley (Friday, 04 January 2019 10:39)

    Thanks Mark. Good point.

  • #3

    Eileen Wilson (Friday, 04 January 2019 15:59)

    Dear Tom
    I liked the twist as it was unexpected. It was nice and glib to start too.
    You need an 'e' in 'ageing' and to watch your spacing at sentences. Instead of, 'For God's Sake...' etc. If you cut a word you save a run on line which gives you more to work with?
    Just spotted Mark's comment and agree that the idea of the epithet might be nice earlier.
    I like that what happens is due to affection, so not an angst ridden tale but a tale of caring, although I did keep thinking of ice-cream!
    Kind regards,

  • #4

    Tom J Hingley (Monday, 07 January 2019 23:48)

    Thanks Eileen - good tips and may well change title to prevent unwanted associations getting in the way!

  • #5

    Rick Limentani (Thursday, 17 January 2019 08:43)

    I like the conflicting characters you've created, and I know that 2 pages is incredibly tight to create a story, but I felt that I wanted more motivation for Jerry's violence than just edginess about the end of the world. Perhaps if we knew he had a history of mental illness, or if Ben's needling about Jerry's religious beliefs affected/offended him more this would feel more justified.
    Also, I wasn't clear where the voiceover at the end comes from. What if at the start Ben tosses a couple of DVDs on the table and says "Well, looks like these video wills we made were a waste of time anyway!" or something?

  • #6

    Tom J Hingley (Saturday, 19 January 2019 12:30)

    Thanks Rick. Appreciate the response and will be mulling this over. So interesting to see how other people see the story. All the best Tom

  • #7

    Keith (Monday, 28 January 2019 18:35)

    Agree with other reviews to foreground the epitaph earlier so when we hear it is has more impact. Like the idea Jerry is looking for it.
    Maybe see if you can give the two voices more distinct quality. Maybe Jerry's speech is more erratic, stumbling and panicky, to mark him out against Ben's calmer way of talking. This might make Jerry's final action more inevitable.

  • #8

    Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 10:15)

    I like the twist and would like to see some of the suggestions from the others incorporated, but overall it's a lovely observation on the "I love you" conundrum.

    My only point to add about the writing would be to PLEASE do another proof-read before submitting it and sort out the spacing between full stops and the start of the next sentence. All too often there is no space and that distracts from the writing content.

    With regard to the last bit where Ben leaves the voice-over… on what? How does Jerry hear/see it?

    I have an idea.

    Although Ben has seemed to have been reading throughout, perhaps he has also had a pen in his hand, like he's making notes in the book, but actually he's been writing a note and, after Jerry does his deed, he picks up Ben's book and throws it, and the note flutters out, and Jerry picks it up to read and that's when we hear the voiceover, to give the text of the note without having to read it ourselves as a viewer. We could be watching Jerry's reactions to the content of the note as HE reads it, finally hearing the words he so desperately wanted. Jerry turns to Ben… BOOM!

    Hope this helps.

Past Drafts...

'Ben and Jerry Forever' by Tom J Hingley
002-001. Ben and Jerry Forever by Tom J
Adobe Acrobat Document 32.8 KB
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