Two gay ageing hippies face the end together.
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Mark Williams (Thursday, 03 January 2019 22:08)
I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!
The only comment I have is that maybe you could work in something about an epitaph earlier, to set up the closing line? As though it's something Jerry has been looking for but Ben has refused or
delayed, knowing full-well that he has already done it but can't bear to share?
Really enjoyed it - there's an irreverent tone which really strikes a chord with me.
Tom J Hingley (Friday, 04 January 2019 10:39)
Thanks Mark. Good point.
Eileen Wilson (Friday, 04 January 2019 15:59)
I liked the twist as it was unexpected. It was nice and glib to start too.
You need an 'e' in 'ageing' and to watch your spacing at sentences. Instead of, 'For God's Sake...' etc. If you cut a word you save a run on line which gives you more to work with?
Just spotted Mark's comment and agree that the idea of the epithet might be nice earlier.
I like that what happens is due to affection, so not an angst ridden tale but a tale of caring, although I did keep thinking of ice-cream!
Tom J Hingley (Monday, 07 January 2019 23:48)
Thanks Eileen - good tips and may well change title to prevent unwanted associations getting in the way!
Rick Limentani (Thursday, 17 January 2019 08:43)
I like the conflicting characters you've created, and I know that 2 pages is incredibly tight to create a story, but I felt that I wanted more motivation for Jerry's violence than just edginess about
the end of the world. Perhaps if we knew he had a history of mental illness, or if Ben's needling about Jerry's religious beliefs affected/offended him more this would feel more justified.
Also, I wasn't clear where the voiceover at the end comes from. What if at the start Ben tosses a couple of DVDs on the table and says "Well, looks like these video wills we made were a waste of time
anyway!" or something?
Tom J Hingley (Saturday, 19 January 2019 12:30)
Thanks Rick. Appreciate the response and will be mulling this over. So interesting to see how other people see the story. All the best Tom
Keith (Monday, 28 January 2019 18:35)
Agree with other reviews to foreground the epitaph earlier so when we hear it is has more impact. Like the idea Jerry is looking for it.
Maybe see if you can give the two voices more distinct quality. Maybe Jerry's speech is more erratic, stumbling and panicky, to mark him out against Ben's calmer way of talking. This might make
Jerry's final action more inevitable.