'Bless You' by Eileen Wilson... LATEST DRAFT

A priest puts the world to rights at the sake of his soul.

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''Bless You' by Eileen Wilson Second Draft
002-081 Bless You 3.pdf
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Comments: 14
  • #14

    Eileen Wilson (Tuesday, 26 March 2019 16:03)

    Dear Emma and Mark
    Not checked in for a bit. Thanks so much for the kind comments.
    Kind regards,
    Eileen

  • #13

    Mark Walker (Sunday, 17 March 2019 17:23)

    Nice one Eileen - very amusing! Sounds like you have had plenty of advice already, and I am coming late to Impact so nothing to add, but really enjoyed the humour in this one!

  • #12

    Emma Pullar (Monday, 11 March 2019 14:59)

    Loved this one the first time I read it. Enjoyed it even more the second time. Well done, Eileen.

  • #11

    Eileen Wilson (Wednesday, 13 February 2019 16:21)

    Thanks so much for reading, Ryan. I really appreciate it and am glad you enjoyed it.
    Kind regards,
    Eileen

  • #10

    Ryan La Via (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 21:42)

    Greetings Eileen,

    Wonderful! After reading many dark scripts, it was nice to get a few chuckles out of yours. Especially liked your dialogue, thought it was sharp, and appropriate. I have nothing of use to add. Best of luck!

  • #9

    Eileen Wilson (Tuesday, 05 February 2019 16:23)

    Dear Tamara
    Thanks for your feedback. I think if it went to production and budget etc was an issue, it could be easily and quickly scaled back and still, excuse the pun, have an impact. It's the same with the meteor. It doesn't need to hit. It would be enough to have a few loud bangs outside and a dark sky for example.
    Appreciate you taking the time to look.
    Kind regards,
    Eileen

  • #8

    Tamara Ritthaler (Friday, 01 February 2019 17:08)

    Hey,
    there is so much going on in this one but I particularly love the fact that the priest is just so utterly done. I wonder if there is a way to condense this though the chaos makes complete sense in the world of the script, but I just wonder if the Satanist is even needed, as much as I love the idea of people suddenly racing to church.

  • #7

    Eileen Wilson (Saturday, 26 January 2019 13:18)

    Thanks, Tom. Will consider these but I think the Santa is funnier. :0)

  • #6

    Tom J Hingley (Friday, 25 January 2019 21:37)

    Hi Eileen
    This is much sharper than the first draft. Being picky:
    1. The script reader sees that a Satanist affirms himself but will the viewer get it quickly enough from the line, even though it is explained after the event and is the comedic logic out? Would it not be " I affirm Santa despite his empty promises" ( or whatever the catechism says) or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?
    2. Can you get more of a gag from the explanation by Tom eg " Sous-Chef . Dyslexic. Silly bunt" ?
    3. Is there a word missing from the Nun's line?
    4. Is there room for the Priest to emphasise that the Tory has committed sins on earth for which he will at last, be held to account, in the final judgment.eg " Bless you and protect you, despite your most grievous sins and many many omissions, in this life ...back in a jiffy."
    Your call of course, as to whether any of this makes it better or worse !

    Cheers

    Tom

  • #5

    Eileen Wilson (Tuesday, 08 January 2019 16:39)

    Dear Janet
    Thanks so much for that. It's really helpful. My problem with the tory bit at the end was you can't say anything defamatory using someone's name (it's in the rules), so I tried to infer and it maybe didn't work as well as I wanted.
    Good shout about INT./EXT. and quite agree with what Tom said on Mr. Stevens too.
    I figured the more crit. I had the better I could make it. Many scripts may be quite heavy and I thought it would be nice to have something lighter and more me, tbh.
    Appreciate it, Eileen :0)

  • #4

    Janet van Eeden (Tuesday, 08 January 2019 15:36)

    Hi Eileen,

    I love the humour in this piece! Your sense of humour comes through strongly. There are just a few points which I would tweak a bit for clarity or more humour, for e.g.. Just thoughts, so use them, don't use them. :)

    1. When Mrs Jones answers that her last confession was this morning, it might be more comic if the priest says, "Murder someone since lunch?" Just a thought.

    2. I know space is a premium but could Mrs Jones perhaps have a refrain like, "I shouldn't have said..." or something every time she reveals a secret? Something like: "I told Mrs Davies... you know the one that fancies Mr Stevens? Oooh, I shouldn't have said... And she says she can't live without him so she's off after him... Oooh, I shouldn't have said..."

    Then the priest can say something after he asks if Mrs Davies is married to Bob who does the picnics, (and I would add a beat indicating Mrs Jones doesn't answer,) "Oh yes I know, you shouldn't have said! Right then, one hail Mary, etc". Just another thought, really. :)

    3. I agree with Tom that you should have the priest say, "Oh, Mrs Stevens", or somehow identify him so that the audience knows it is him, before he says "stay away from Mrs Davies". Just need that clarity for the audience.

    4. Lastly, I feel your Satanist is lost somewhat by being (O.S.) for his big moment. You could cut to the outer church to show the Gothly (I suppose) dressed Satanist shouting out his truth. Then cut back to Mr Stevens saying wryly, "That's whatsisname. He's dyslexic." Later, when the nuns are telling the children that Santa is real, we are outside the confessional again and we can see the little boy kick the Satanist in the nuts. So perhaps a way to solve this is to have INT/EXT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH IN CHURCH - DAY so that you can move between the inner sanctum and the outer church. You don't want to lose the comic effect of the Satanist.

    5. Sorry, one more thing. We need to make it clearer that the man going into the booth in the last moment is a big Tory Supporter. Perhaps he has a hat (I don't know why I'm seeing a blue top hat with a blue rosette?) and he could take it off and we could see BJ's unruly golden locks and then cut to the priest's face as he registers who it is... I don't know. Something to clarify BJ is who you want him to be.

    Otherwise, lovely sense of humour and I hope it goes through to the end!

  • #3

    Eileen Wilson (Friday, 04 January 2019 15:19)

    Dear Tom and Mark,
    Thank you for your kind comments. I will put them (along with the DM comments I've received) to good use when I redraft.
    Kind regards,
    Eileen

  • #2

    Mark Williams (Thursday, 03 January 2019 22:03)

    Hi Eileen
    My only real comment is that because the pace is so frenetic it feels like you're trying to cram in one too many gags to get to the punchline. That said, this has a madcap, farcical feeling to it which I think could lend itself well as an interstital between two darker or more sombre pieces.

    Good work
    Mark

  • #1

    Tom J Hingley (Thursday, 03 January 2019 18:50)

    Hi Eileen
    Loved the Father Ted feel to this. I could feel how things are getting more frenzied towards the end. Only two small points occurred:
    1. Can the identity of Mr Stevens be clearer to the viewer before he enters the confessional so that we know who he is eg the previous lady nodding to him and giving his name?
    2. Can more be done to clarify the last person is wearing a blue rosette to indicate he is a Tory and a very particular one?
    3. OK One more. Would sticking to first names through out help ?

    Nice work

    Tom


Past Drafts...

Download
''Bless You' by Eileen Wilson Second Draft
002-024 Bless You by Eileen Wilson 2.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 37.4 KB
Download
''Bless You' by Eileen Wilson
002-003. Bless You by Eileen Wilson 1.pd
Adobe Acrobat Document 40.4 KB