'The Bunker' by Petra Lang

A young couple debates if they should kill themselves before the impact or hide and hope for the best.

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'The Bunker' by Petra Lang
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Comments: 6
  • #6

    Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 09:52)

    Hi Petra,

    Nice story. I agree with most of the comments and have one of my own.

    I'm not sure if it is your software or a habit you have taken on, but the single opening quote mark you use throughout should really be an apostrophe - so ‘ should be either ' or ’ so that it doesn't jar the minds of poor feeble people like me who get hung up on tiny stuff.

    Do you know of a location for this? Would be great to see the finished thing.

    All the best, and a big TC6 hug.

  • #5

    Mark Walker (Sunday, 17 March 2019 17:32)

    Hi Petra! Nice idea, I liked it! I agree with some of the other comments that perhaps you could start it later and focus on the debate around the suicide to make the decisions harder for each and drive home the impact of the twist at the end, but a great idea.

  • #4

    Chris Mitchell (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 02:39)

    Enjoyed reading this. The one remaining bullet coming back at the end is very nicely done. Neat little twist, well executed. Also, good use of the imminent impact as a way of raising the stakes.

    I would be quite interested to see more made of the situation and the opposing plans of the two characters. Zoe could be more uncertain about the location of the bunker - stress more that they're lost and that they may have wasted their final moments on a wild goose chase. Sarah by contrast could have proposed the double suicide before they ever came to the forest, rather than announcing it in the middle of the script - this moment feels as if it's an unnecessarily shocking reveal when it could be used as a subtle bit of character-building. Might be just me though ;)

  • #3

    Bruce Thomas (Saturday, 09 February 2019 22:36)

    hi Petra, I think your story starts on page 2. "I‘ve made my decision." followed by revealing the gun. Up to that point it is too bland, two girls walking and talking, is not a great scene to shoot. Be careful of choosing dialogue over action, action is everything, in your script i would trim that back. also it is action that gives your dialogue sub-text. anyway, good luck with the next draft. bruce

  • #2

    Lee Betteridge (Friday, 08 February 2019 16:12)

    Hi Petra
    Really liked this, although it contains a pet peeve of mine - the line 'We'll figure it out!' It's a line that is used far too often in my opinion. More can be said with a look or a caress. That's maybe just me though.
    Loved the way the final bullet came in useful.
    Well done.
    Lee

  • #1

    Tom J Hingley (Friday, 08 February 2019 15:55)

    Hi Petra
    I like this idea, a more in control dominant figure and the other more panicky. However, the dialogue is too formal for a stressful situation and in some cases repeats what we know is going on. A few typos - debates rather than debate, the shut the door, never do. Why not give Sarah a rant about always being bossed around by Zoe? Why not let Sarah take command at the end and Zoe be the frightened one to show Zoe/Sarah's journey ? Have more of a fight scene in the middle? The gun fires. Has one of them been hit !! Da der!! Such fun! Cheers Tom