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Christopher Dane (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 17:46)
I like the idea that someone thinks that this 'end of the world' thing is just a bad trip, you could take that even further... as you're already going over the two page limit I'd suggest that you
trim your descriptions as they're somewhat long breaks the flow a bit... great concept though!
Chris Arosnten (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 08:13)
I really like the character of Gilly, the neurotic way she talks to herself, and her mission to kiss her crush before the world ends. Also loved Polly's response to the end of the world: take a
selfie. There are some technical things in the script you could look at for the next draft: e.g. we need to know specifically they are eating cake before you say they spit it into napkins; we need to
know Gilly has the knife with her before the stabbing; we don't know it's 1 minute till worlds end unless you set up that someone is timing it. And just genreally refine and clarify the action so
it's very step-by-step and clear.
Deborah Espect (Wednesday, 05 June 2019)
This could be a very fun short film and it feels that you had fun writing it! Some of the details might need to be made more obvious to an audience (e.g. how would they know that the bad guy is
nicknamed Dark Lord?) but it's definitely got the potential to be very enjoyable.
Dylanne (Wednesday, 05 June 2019)
Really enjoyed this Shuk. It really bursts into life when 'chaos ensues' and you have a knack for painting vibrantly vivid details which pack a punch, 'she jibbers...then takes a selfie'. I felt the
world was intriguing and original and the tone funny but poignant too.
My only pointer would be consistency with character names.
David H Navarro (Friday, 07 June 2019 13:26)
I could not stop laughing, thank you. Gilly reminded me of someone who I once worked with. Polly's response to the end of the world was brilliant! Well done!
Leilani Holmes (Sunday, 09 June 2019 03:47)
Well this is crazy fun. Lots happening, some good little story arcs, and a romantic crescendo. It's all there, it's just a little dense at the moment, I think you could cut the description and give
it clarity, the musical knife is great but I think introduce it earlier when she's cutting the cake, and maybe there's a few things you could cut to keep it concise and consistent while not losing
any of the charming chaos. Great fun though, it made me smile.
Leanne (Monday, 10 June 2019 01:52)
Love the humour, adventure and complete little story here. Such a great voice. Great strong verbs ('pinned and pummelled'). I agree that especially Polly needs to be called one thing or another. The
short film would be such fun!