'Contented' by Ricardo Bravo

Faced with the end of humanity, a man decides to release his most valued possessions.

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Comments: 10
  • #10

    Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 09:45)

    Hi Ricardo,

    I read the story before the comments. I love how dark it gets, but agree with most of the suggestions made, especially Emma's twist about the dog, ooh, that would hurt him!

    Looking forward to the next draft.

  • #9

    Mark Walker (Saturday, 23 March 2019 08:39)

    Hey Ricardo - awesome short, really liked it - good twist - I also like Emma's suggestion but it is still a great read as it is!

  • #8

    Emma Pullar (Monday, 11 March 2019 15:24)

    I love the fact the opening tells us Vincent is an animal lover and then there's this wonderful dark turn at the end. I would have preferred that as he pulled the trigger the dog ran back and jumped up on the woman excitedly, thinking she wanted to play because she was running. She stumbles and gets away but Vincent has accidentally shot his beloved dog instead of her and is horrified and distressed. Holds his dead dog in his arms. Karma.That's just how I saw the ending though. Great script. Loved it.

  • #7

    Anthony Barclay (Wednesday, 13 February 2019 16:03)

    Enjoyed this tale. Nice touch on the sartorial attention. Unexpected ending which gives the story a lovely dark twist. I agree with a previous comment about the dog not wanting to leave its master after showing us how much affection it has for him, so maybe he should throw a bone into the woods or something for the dog to chase and gnaw upon. Other than that it's both compelling and disturbing. Good job!

  • #6

    Ryan La Via (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 21:38)

    Hello Ricardo,

    Well done. Thoroughly enjoyed your story, from beginning to end. Especially the fact that I didn't know where it was going, and liked where you took it. Bravo and good luck!

  • #5

    Bruce Thomas (Saturday, 09 February 2019 22:51)

    hey, ricardo, really great job. enjoyed this one a lot. i don't have anything to add to the other comments, but i did get snagged on two things. 1. the dog running off to the woods (a dog that loves licks and plays with the owner, wouldn't do that, i know it is a story by it bothered me), 2. He now understands the feeling. (how do you film this? please unpack this as action, the viewer will not read the script) great stuff. bruce

  • #4

    Mark Williams (Sunday, 06 January 2019 19:09)

    Hi Ricardo

    This was nice and dark - I was expecting an Old Yeller outcome, but this was a welcome change!

    Obviously, typos etc., but that’s never insurmountable.

    Good work!

  • #3

    Ricardo Bravo (Saturday, 05 January 2019 19:14)

    Thank you David and Paul for your kind comments. I will implement your suggestions and make the obvious corrections to the typos.
    Cheers!
    R

  • #2

    Paul (Thursday, 03 January 2019 20:50)

    Nice work. And exactly what I would do at the end of the world. :p

    I think you could ramp up the expectancy by:

    Having him make more of a fuss over the dog, and look teary eyed when he sets him free to go chase squirrels etc in the woods (and die happy);

    Maybe doll the girl up in a pretty dress, and act nice to her, so we think he's stopped being such a bad guy. He smiles as she runs off into the distance (like with the dog) ... we think he's seen the error of his ways ... and then out comes the old rifle and BAM.

    A couple of typos: Should be its not it's, lies not lays... but otherwise good.

    P.

  • #1

    David Aldred (Thursday, 03 January 2019 19:01)

    I like this a lot. It's dark, but I like how how the scenes jumped, skipping the boring bits, therefore cramming a lot more action into the allotted time. I only have two comments, and they're based on punctuation – on which I'm a stickler. Some people think it's irrelevant – and in a way it is. But here are my comments:

    "…gentleman wearing a elegant burgundy dressing gown" – it should be AN elegant dressing gown.

    And:

    "The Dog stares at the woods and looks back at it’s owner" should be ITS owner, with no apostrophe.

    I wish you all the best. It's a cracking little snapshot of a terrifying tale, destined to be lost forever.


Past Drafts...

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