'Contented' by Ricardo Bravo

Faced with the end of humanity, a man decides to release his most valued possessions.

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'Contented' by Ricardo Bravo
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Comments: 4
  • #1

    David Aldred (Thursday, 03 January 2019 19:01)

    I like this a lot. It's dark, but I like how how the scenes jumped, skipping the boring bits, therefore cramming a lot more action into the allotted time. I only have two comments, and they're based on punctuation – on which I'm a stickler. Some people think it's irrelevant – and in a way it is. But here are my comments:

    "…gentleman wearing a elegant burgundy dressing gown" – it should be AN elegant dressing gown.

    And:

    "The Dog stares at the woods and looks back at it’s owner" should be ITS owner, with no apostrophe.

    I wish you all the best. It's a cracking little snapshot of a terrifying tale, destined to be lost forever.

  • #2

    Paul (Thursday, 03 January 2019 20:50)

    Nice work. And exactly what I would do at the end of the world. :p

    I think you could ramp up the expectancy by:

    Having him make more of a fuss over the dog, and look teary eyed when he sets him free to go chase squirrels etc in the woods (and die happy);

    Maybe doll the girl up in a pretty dress, and act nice to her, so we think he's stopped being such a bad guy. He smiles as she runs off into the distance (like with the dog) ... we think he's seen the error of his ways ... and then out comes the old rifle and BAM.

    A couple of typos: Should be its not it's, lies not lays... but otherwise good.

    P.

  • #3

    Ricardo Bravo (Saturday, 05 January 2019 19:14)

    Thank you David and Paul for your kind comments. I will implement your suggestions and make the obvious corrections to the typos.
    Cheers!
    R

  • #4

    Mark Williams (Sunday, 06 January 2019 19:09)

    Hi Ricardo

    This was nice and dark - I was expecting an Old Yeller outcome, but this was a welcome change!

    Obviously, typos etc., but that’s never insurmountable.

    Good work!