A pair of revellers intent on partying to the end of the world are interrupted by a stranger and must make a final choice.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Richard (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 14:44)
Well done on the script. it is very vibrant and full of energy and ultimately touching. I liked the contrast between Cally and Tariq too. It was nice the way that they started with the same
objective, but Tariq shows much more compassion at the end.
I did have some questions though. Was the shop owner Bill? I instantly connected Rose to the shop owner, especially as she was looking for someone. If the owner isn’t Bill then I wasn’t sure why Rose
would have been in that shop specifically. If the owner is Bill, then I assume that he would have gone looking for Rose. If it was possible to make this clearer, that would help for me. No one else
has made this connection though, so it might be just me.
Good luck with your script.
Sian Rowland (Monday, 11 February 2019 15:18)
Thank you so much Carmen, Eileen and Chris for your supportive and insightful comments. This is what I love about this process- you've all brought ideas and questions to the story that I hadn't
thought of and they will help me make the second draft more powerful and meaningful. Thank you!
Chris Mitchell (Monday, 11 February 2019 02:01)
Really enjoyed reading this. A nicely emotional and resonant story. I found the idea of dementia at a time of impending destruction a very interesting concept: can Rose feel that something is wrong
even if she doesn't know what is going on?
I love that Tariq stays to dance with Rose. Makes him the more relatable and empathetic of the couple. Cally certainly seems to be the one leading their actions - perhaps Tariq can show some
reluctance at the beginning when she's holding up the shopkeeper? This would help explain more his decision to not go with Cally, as well as perhaps Cally's decision to leave him behind.
The montage sequence works really well for me. I think when set to music it will look great, and really bring to home the sort of nihilistic chaos / senseless partying that the couple want to pursue
when they have nothing to lose. Great work!
Eileen Wilson (Saturday, 09 February 2019 15:52)
I like the relationship between the old dear and Tariq. It's like that of the pairing of Raul Julia and Jessica what-do-you-ma-call her in 'Batteries not Included. The fact he goes along with her
shows a different side to his character that's endearing to people as it's human. It makes the female the worse of the pair which is a nice change in a respect.
What format is this in as normally, you have the character name, pause for action and the character name with (CONT).?
Watch stops at the end of sentences too.
I'd put the line about ROSE entering above the dialogue as all the action upsets the flow for me.
Much as it's horrid, I think Cally would say 'Get Lost, Bitch!" It's harsh but in keeping with how she's behaved/behaving. With time pressing, I also think she'd tell Tariq 'Waste your time. I'm
off'. It's much more succinct but time is of the essence.
You can play this sweetly, or with edge too.
A good first draft but think it needs some action tweaked.
Really hope that helps and you get more reads,
Carmen Radtke (Saturday, 09 February 2019 15:18)
Lovely, touching story. It reminded me of Steve Rogers sitting at old Peggy’s bedside.
The ending is emotionally satisfying.
I was wondering why the shop owner would try to run with all his money. If the news has sunken in, wouldn’t he stare at it because all he’s earned is useless now?
I wasn’t convinced by Callie’s dialogue. Especially her parting words, or calling Rose an old biddy. Is Tariq her boyfriend and she’s jealous that somebody claims his attention now? Then she could be
angry and storm out, looking for someone who cares about her. At the moment Callie is just a selfish butch, even pushing an old lady. I’d like to see why.
It’s heart-warming to see Tariq take Rose’s hand and dance (I assume cheek to cheek?)
Great way to tackle dementia.