A pair of revellers intent on partying to the end of the world are interrupted by a stranger and must make a final choice.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Paul Rapley (Wednesday, 17 April 2019 00:29)
I very much liked the clearly demarcated characters, the relationships and the plot twist(s).
Nevertheless, I did think the dialogue was too wordy. In particular, Rose (corny name?) explains herself too fully. I'd make her words more enigmatic, allow the actor to flesh it out, and challenge
the viewer to join the dots.
Could make a very effective scene.
Rick (Saturday, 23 March 2019 19:24)
I have no feedback on this other than that it's lovely. Good job.
Sian Rowland (Wednesday, 13 March 2019 16:36)
Thank you so much for comments Veronica. It's really helpful to hear from an actor's point of view. I'm so glad you were able to relate to the story.
Thank you to Richard for your comments too. these will help me sharpen and tighten the script for redrafting.
Veronica Ellis (Wednesday, 13 March 2019 13:16)
Note to others: SPOILER ALERT! Don't read these comments before you read the script.
I am not a writer so I can't give technical feedback, as an actor I have looked at what I saw in your characters and if I felt empathy for them.
Think this is an amusing and heartwarming script. I always find it interesting that people/characters still cling to money in times of crisis, when it no longer has meaning. I like that the owner
steps away from that.
I enjoy that the couple are driven by the female characters destructive side, I can easily think a thousand reasons for her doing this, possibly the fact that she has never been able to so, or now
she can do it without judgement. A personal vendetta against the shop owner for catching her shop lifting. Who knows!? But I like that she is an angry young woman and that is what she is processing
while she essentially seeking fun and release at a time of stress.
Rose was quite a surprise, who is she looking for and would they be in the shop normally. I don't mind I don't know, a gent who used to own the local chipper regularly used to go and shout orders at
staff, long after it was a fish and chip shop. Dementia affect so many people, her calm demeanour as she searches for her Bill is endearing.
Tariq reminds me of a friend who seemed like a total geezer, he is a builder and a total 'lad' but when he met my eighty year old aunty he was so sensitive to her every need. I learnt he had been
largely raise by his elderly grandparents, especially when he was a handful of a teen for his single mother. That juxtaposition within him will be wonderful to watch.
I don't feel more needs to be written to explain any of these characters, with the right choices by the actors and the director we will see who these people are. You have written a script that gives
the actors a chance to create unique, multifaceted personalities. There is nothing generic about any of them.
I think this is a really heart felt script which shows the reactions of a community worth of people in two pages, offering opportunity for wide casting of age and race, which can be rare in general
and definitely in disaster film plots.
I wish you al the best in this competition.
Richard (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 14:44)
Well done on the script. it is very vibrant and full of energy and ultimately touching. I liked the contrast between Cally and Tariq too. It was nice the way that they started with the same
objective, but Tariq shows much more compassion at the end.
I did have some questions though. Was the shop owner Bill? I instantly connected Rose to the shop owner, especially as she was looking for someone. If the owner isn’t Bill then I wasn’t sure why Rose
would have been in that shop specifically. If the owner is Bill, then I assume that he would have gone looking for Rose. If it was possible to make this clearer, that would help for me. No one else
has made this connection though, so it might be just me.
Good luck with your script.
Sian Rowland (Monday, 11 February 2019 15:18)
Thank you so much Carmen, Eileen and Chris for your supportive and insightful comments. This is what I love about this process- you've all brought ideas and questions to the story that I hadn't
thought of and they will help me make the second draft more powerful and meaningful. Thank you!
Chris Mitchell (Monday, 11 February 2019 02:01)
Really enjoyed reading this. A nicely emotional and resonant story. I found the idea of dementia at a time of impending destruction a very interesting concept: can Rose feel that something is wrong
even if she doesn't know what is going on?
I love that Tariq stays to dance with Rose. Makes him the more relatable and empathetic of the couple. Cally certainly seems to be the one leading their actions - perhaps Tariq can show some
reluctance at the beginning when she's holding up the shopkeeper? This would help explain more his decision to not go with Cally, as well as perhaps Cally's decision to leave him behind.
The montage sequence works really well for me. I think when set to music it will look great, and really bring to home the sort of nihilistic chaos / senseless partying that the couple want to pursue
when they have nothing to lose. Great work!
Eileen Wilson (Saturday, 09 February 2019 15:52)
I like the relationship between the old dear and Tariq. It's like that of the pairing of Raul Julia and Jessica what-do-you-ma-call her in 'Batteries not Included. The fact he goes along with her
shows a different side to his character that's endearing to people as it's human. It makes the female the worse of the pair which is a nice change in a respect.
What format is this in as normally, you have the character name, pause for action and the character name with (CONT).?
Watch stops at the end of sentences too.
I'd put the line about ROSE entering above the dialogue as all the action upsets the flow for me.
Much as it's horrid, I think Cally would say 'Get Lost, Bitch!" It's harsh but in keeping with how she's behaved/behaving. With time pressing, I also think she'd tell Tariq 'Waste your time. I'm
off'. It's much more succinct but time is of the essence.
You can play this sweetly, or with edge too.
A good first draft but think it needs some action tweaked.
Really hope that helps and you get more reads,
Carmen Radtke (Saturday, 09 February 2019 15:18)
Lovely, touching story. It reminded me of Steve Rogers sitting at old Peggy’s bedside.
The ending is emotionally satisfying.
I was wondering why the shop owner would try to run with all his money. If the news has sunken in, wouldn’t he stare at it because all he’s earned is useless now?
I wasn’t convinced by Callie’s dialogue. Especially her parting words, or calling Rose an old biddy. Is Tariq her boyfriend and she’s jealous that somebody claims his attention now? Then she could be
angry and storm out, looking for someone who cares about her. At the moment Callie is just a selfish butch, even pushing an old lady. I’d like to see why.
It’s heart-warming to see Tariq take Rose’s hand and dance (I assume cheek to cheek?)
Great way to tackle dementia.