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Christopher Dane (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 11:53)
Very sweet story with a dark twist, some things never change even at te end of the world, well observed.
Jaye Nolan (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:12)
A good, well contained story - well observed, as Christopher says. You might want to edit the punctuation and format slightly, just so it makes it an easier read. A director could definitely make
this work though.
Deborah Espect (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 16:41)
I second what Christopher and Jaye said. Also, very small but important detail - you probably wouldn't be able to show The Lion King for copyright and licencing reasons (assuming this is a small
budget project!), but unless The Lion King has a specific significance here, you could just change that :)
Leanne (Friday, 07 June 2019 06:41)
Truly sad, seeing this man's addiction rob him of precious minutes with his family, when there are very few minutes left. You could really feel Preeti's despair. My second read made me wonder if his
dad was controlling ("he really wanted us there"), and that's what led to the alcoholism - maybe not the case, but could be brought out a bit more if so.
If I were nitpicky, I'd go through and change all the 'ing's - the kids watch the tv, not "are watching" etc, as it makes for a more active read rather than passive. Also turn some of the commas into
full stops, as run-on sentences slow down the read too. But the visuals are there, the emotion is there..and if we had another page, it'd be nice to see him sitting, finally present with his family
at the very end.
Leilani Holmes (Sunday, 09 June 2019 01:05)
A great story of the nature of addiction and how people cope under intense stress situations like this. It's a little heavy on description and confusing at a couple of points, I think you could
streamline it quite a bit to give it more clarity. Particular points were the cabinet, you might use drinks cabinet to make it clear what he's after at that point, and then the Cola dialogue I
thought the kid was asking for a drink and had to pause on that a while before I moved on confused then understood. However the story is strong, I found it really sad that she left her kids to keep
tabs on him. How tragic. I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather so it rang very true though.
Navdip Sandhu (Sunday, 09 June 2019 16:40)
Thank you all for all your kind advice and comments. Particularly helpful was removing the 'ings', and I know this. Thank you for the reminder. All taken on board and will get a redraft out soon
which is an easier read.
Jonathan (Sunday, 09 June 2019 17:55)
This is a really sweet piece. To get the family dynamic in a few pages was quite a feat. I wonder if it might be worth exploring the childrens’ dialogue to uncover a little more of what makes them
tick. There’s also a couple of typos and formatting differences so I’d just take a quick look at those but really nice work!
Kim Ramsay (Monday, 10 June 2019 14:44)
A powerful reminder, that some people can’t change, despite their best intentions. And that alcohol addiction can cause such damage to relationships and families. I think the emotion is really strong
in this piece.
A few adjustments could be made to some of the description and formatting to make things a little clearer, and a smoother read. Using capitals when introducing characters, and breaking up description
paragraphs into shorter sentences based on the character action beats.
Early on in the Living Room scene I didn’t realise it was Jaz, when it mentions Simi runs to her father. Perhaps swap this for his name, as it’s then backed up in the dialogue that Jaz is their