A mother and her daughters end the cycle of pain perpetrated by the abusive husband and father.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 12 June 2019 16:00)
Thank you so much for your feedback, and apologies for the late reply.
Allow me to respond to some of your concerns.
1: Father is unconscious and bound, which means that he can't run away and doesn't stand up for the first stab. The women stab him where he lies.
2: Father faces the fire because that's where he's looking when he regains consciousness. There's nothing in the script that says he continues to face the fire, and I make it clear that he pleads
with the women, which would lead one to assume that he's looking at them.
3: I will look again at the occurrences of the word 'she' and make amendments.
4: I would be happy to receive your advice on formatting. Please feel free to send me anything you believe will make the script more manageable and less amateurish.
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 09:36)
Great idea, and some fantastic description, but I have a few minor points to make.
1. If Father was unconscious at the start and wakes up at the whiskey exploding, how (and why) did he go from there to standing up to receive the first stab, or did he?
2. If he could get up, why didn't he run away?
3. Why would he face the fire when the threat, and the people he knows, are behind him? If he's on the floor he could simply turn his head from one to the other and it would be less confusing for the
4. In the second-to-last action block, there are way too many occurrences of the word "she" - very confusing.
5. Sort out your formatting. I know you only have two pages, but with some tightening up of description and dialogue, you will still be able to get this story in, and when it is formatted correctly
it will gain so much more support - at the moment it makes the work look amateur, and the story deserves better.
I REALLY like it, and look forward to a new draft.
If you are new to this (I have no idea) and want some help with the formatting and structure, I'd be happy to help.
All the best.
catherine williams (Wednesday, 06 February 2019 21:43)
Hi Catherine, thanks for the great feedback, I will certainly be taking everything you said into consideration. Just to make sense of the opening: it portrays a sense of despair surrounding our main
protagonists- the suicide victim having recently taken their own life with their dog barking furiously beneath their hanging body; the shouts and gunshots an indication of the collective descent into
hopelessness (the howling man shooting his family before taking his own life, etc). It needs work, for sure, but your comments are valid and I'll explore further possibilities.
Sigil is a word, haha, it means an inscribed or painted symbol considered to have magical power.
Good call on the introduction of the characters, and great idea re one of the daughters being pregnant carrying the father's child and the possibility of turning on the mother. The thought of them
blaming her for her complicity had crossed my mind and I suspect I would have gone further with that but was constrained by only having the option to write two pages, but this is really just an
excuse, I need to apply myself more.
Thanks once again, you have inspired me to make changes for the better, much appreciated.
catherine williams (Wednesday, 30 January 2019 15:55)
Love this script - so original and dark!
A few thoughts in case they help....
I wasn't sure you needed the first scene - or rather maybe you don't need the hanging body and the gunshot business in para 2... Not sure who they were. And it could be a bit distracting.
Typically, I think you'd intro the characters by saying "MOTHER/NAME (age XX)" and two daughters with their ages in brackets after their names - or simply leave them as 'First Daughter' and Second
Daughter' (plus ages in brackets).
I have been led to believe that you only put the character name in capitals the first time you mention them but maybe someone else can confirm this - and anyway it makes no difference to the content,
so no worries!
1st para of second scene - is 'sigil' a word?? Not seen it before.
Is one of the daughter's pregnant (apparently/possibly by him???)? UGH!
Could a final bloody horrid twist be that the daughters turn on their mother too? She allowed this to happen to them...
I love how mad and ritualistic and depraved it is - v wild and macabre... Well done!