'Doomed' by Courtney Gayle

 

A homeless couple lament the end of the world and the part they played in it.
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'Doomed' by Courtney Gayle
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Comments: 6
  • #1

    Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:20)

    I like the humour in this, it's 'I told you so' taken to the extreme! Perhaps it's a little on the nose in terms of the exact newspaper clipping being in the abandoned house, maybe just have them in their own neglected house, but otherwise I liked it.

  • #2

    Emma Rae Teare (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:28)

    Love this; fab dialogue and simple structure. One abandoned house, two girls and a doobie!

  • #3

    Josephine Samson (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 22:09)

    All the while they knew nothing about the impact until Pepper steps outside. I like this piece but I'm not convinced by the final scene. I'm not sure if someone sees a meteor heading their way that they would just stand and stare until it hits. Maybe a piece of action with Pepper running back into the abandoned house to tell Alice that she was right. Maybe as she's running she's shouting to Alice telling her that she was right.

  • #4

    Dylanne (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 14:47)

    I was drawn immediately into the characters and relationship through well written action and dialogue. I thought the newspaper was when we understood that she'd predicted the whole thing and think Pepper's speech on pg 2 is key to clarifying this. Agree with above, don't think you need last line or at least cut 'she was right'.

  • #5

    Leanne (Friday, 07 June 2019 05:29)

    Love the attitude and conflict in this! Love that you see Pepper 'snap' and go from brow-beaten co-dependent, to tell-it-how-it-is antagonist. I do wonder though why she waited this long to express her feelings.

    The backstory is great, and shows in a short space of time the problem with Alice (and is a nice little comment sociologically on the efficacy of those who go off-grid, or join any hermit community, and think they're doing any good in the world).

    The bit I found on the nose was: "I told you never to mention that!" - which could've been expressed by her screwing the paper up, or some other non-direct way of answering. And yes, agree the "shit she was right" was probably unnecessary. But overall loved the energy in it, and would love to read more about these two :)

  • #6

    Navdip Sandhu (Sunday, 09 June 2019 16:50)

    This did make me laugh. Thank you. The character's attitude like those of delusional keyboard warriors thinking they are making a difference.
    Great how you weaved in the back story and the dialogue flows well.
    Agree with the comment above about giving too much away with the line "I told you never to mention that!" - may be a descriptive action here would give more depth to her feelings about it.