The Teacher abondons the pupils to their fate & and the outcome is surprising.
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Christopher Dane (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:11)
Not quite sure I buy Henry's sudden change from shit to hero... also find the kids dialogue a bit too grown-up, the use of "whilst" for example, but then I've never heard private school children talk
Deborah Espect (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:14)
I like the idea and the fact that Henry comes out as the unlikely hero. I feel you might need to tighten the dialogue a bit, at the moment some of it reads like the information given is more for the
benefit of the audience, rather than a realistic exchange - e.g. Sam and Celeste's first lines.
Also, be careful with your formatting, you would need to complete your title page and Henry's first line is jumbled with the action that precedes it.
Natalie Teming-Amoako (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 14:01)
School kid's reaction to the end of the world is a nice idea.
With regards to Henry saving his peers, it's not clear why he would decide to save the others over himself. Henry's initial dialogue comes across as quite spoilt so the change in his attitude seems
quite drastic. Setting this up earlier would help make the ending more plausible.
However, in order to create more suspense, watching them fight for their lives would be more exciting. From what has happened earlier, it would be more believable to me if Henry lost the fight and
was left outside the door.
Leilani Holmes (Sunday, 09 June 2019)
I like the action potential of this with the crumbling walls and the exiting run for cover, not that it will do them any good, sadly. I also like that you can't really read what people will do under
pressure by the way they act every day, the selfless teacher giving up her time runs off and the selfish kid puts others to shelter before himself. It is quite expositional and perhaps a bit more
information and dialogue than you need to tell the story, you could look at re-working it a bit as I think you can reveal those essential character traits without being as direct with their life
plans which felt a bit forced. One thing you could look at if you decide to revise is theme, and whether something about chemistry the teacher could be saying might tie into the behaviour, for
instance I'm sure there are chemical properties that don't always behave as expected? Just a thought. You could also look at your formatting a bit, your slug is a bit more than you need etc. Could be
quite visually cool though with all the sudden adventure thrust upon them without much knowledge of what's going on.