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Christopher Dane (Monday, 03 June 2019 19:57)
Like this one a lot... very funny... though you might be disqualified for going onto page 3! Easily fixed though... I would love to film this :-)
Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 21:10)
It's quite funny, I like the sandwich board man, I wish I'd understood more about why he spent years doing that and I was sorry that he didn't even get an acknowledgement when his prediction proves
true. Perhaps a last comment over the farcical end would make a good punchline?
Tiffany (Monday, 03 June 2019 22:25)
I like the concept of a man is is happy to finally be right about the end of days.
Teodora (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:27)
That's funny but the last sentence felt a bit confusing. Call me thick but I fail to see what's happening in this last shot.
Harriet Riley (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 17:46)
Very funny dialogue that feels authentic. I love the build, and the fact that Greg gets to be right in the end.
That said, he was sad when he first walked onto the pub, maybe his transition to happiness needs to be a bit more nuanced, for example, perhaps he's shocked that they are hurting each other, then
just shakes his head and continues with his pork scratchings. Alternatively, maybe he is happy from the start because he has been proved right, and continues to be happy throughout (I am partial to
the later approach).
Also, the extremity of the violence feels a bit much. Why is there a baseball bat behind the bar? Why does she actually pick up the knife to make the threat? Maybe to make it feel less contrived, she
should be chopping limes, and he could have been playing baseball/cricket, so the violence doesn't come out of nowhere.
That said, you should absolutely keep the fight. It's such a good 'be carful what you wish for' message that mirrors what Greg has been going through as a profit of doom.
Thandi Lubimbi (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 19:24)
This was quite funny in parts but a lot of typos and a bit confusing. Shouldn’t Annie be aiming her violence to Drew rather than Simon, as it was the former who implied rape.
Also the log line suggests this is going to be more about Greg and his regrets. Would have been nice to know what he should have been doing instead of standing outside with a sign for six
Also a bit of a cheat with three pages.
Like the concept and the characters though. I’m guessing it’s a really rough pub.
Shuk Gant (Sunday, 09 June 2019 22:09)
I loved the concept behind this. It felt fresh, assured and very funny. As an actor I really enjoyed how you brought the characters to life in such little time. I could picture them so clearly. I
actually thought the typos were intentional - sort of indicating a regional dialect which for me added to it (again looking through my actor lens!). But I see Christopher Dane (a very fine actor) was
also really inspired by this. It really would be fun to cast, film and act in. With the right actors it would be brilliant. I am not one for huge violence (I say, realising that everything I write
has violence at some point) but I prefer the implication of violence at the end but the focus on sandwich board man smugly enjoying his pork scratchings as everything descends into chaos around him.
Looking forward to reading the redraft if you do one.