A snooker playing ex-con awaits closure on her crime, only to discover the end of the world doesn't mean absolution.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 09:15)
I have two very minor observations...
1. Where Marcia says "Couldn’t? Or..." I would write it as "Couldn’t? Or...?"
2. In Sonia's last dialogue I would just change "I want you to know it was me that
killed you." to "I wanted you to know it was me that killed you." since she's obviously been planning this for a while.
I like the twin angle.
Lorenzo Colonna (Tuesday, 19 February 2019 11:52)
Hi Andrew. Great story and I _LOVE_ the ending. :) I was wondering if you could cut the first part a little. What if Sonia and Marcia are already playing when the story begins? I'd also take a look
at the dialogue. Can you use the game to tell us what they think of each other? How do they hit the balls? Are they angry? Relaxed? I think you can use it to your advantage.
Andrew Griffin (Sunday, 13 January 2019 12:25)
Thanks Mark, all useful feedback. Vengeful and petty indeed. I felt that not everyone would want to atone for their sins before the event, and some would feel an absolute need for closure in a much
Mark Williams (Sunday, 06 January 2019 17:33)
I really enjoyed this - a sometimes well-needed reminder that humans are inherently vengeful and often petty, which I doubt there'll be a lot of in this project.
I think the dialogue could do with a polish - you could use onomatopoeia rather than description, so you have more room for dialogue and to enhance the story.
All in all, good work
Andrew Griffin (Friday, 04 January 2019 10:00)
Thanks for the feedback Tom and Paulo, much appreciated. Not sure how Sally was tagged as the writer but these things happen. ;-)
In my head it made perfect sense, as always, so I’m really pleased to get some constructive criticism. Rewrite on the way! :-)
Paulo (Thursday, 03 January 2019 20:31)
Good to see a bit of cold-blooded murder.
As I understand it:
Tomas is Sonia's twin and so the latter 'felt' him die.
BUT it was an accident, so why's Sonia so angry? And what does she mean by her final line 'I want you to know it was me that killed you, not God, not a rock: me.' OH so was she being ironic when she
suggested it was an 'accident'? And this is plain revenge? If so then it needs to be clearer.
Needs a bit of a dialogue polish, but this could be pretty cool and atmospheric.
Tom J Hingley (Thursday, 03 January 2019 19:03)
Hi Sally and/or Andrew
I am sure this can be a very atmospheric short, even if a few re-takes are required for the very precise ball striking ! I particularly liked that Sonia wanted to take her revenge before the impact.
However, I am not clear what it was for. There are twins and someone has died but I could not follow. It may just be me, so see what others say.
Over all, a good piece of work