'Final Frame' by Andrew Griffin

A snooker playing ex-con awaits closure on her crime, only to discover the end of the world doesn't mean absolution.

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'Final Frame' by Sally Brockway
002-004. Final Frame by Andrew Griffin 1
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Comments: 5
  • #1

    Tom J Hingley (Thursday, 03 January 2019 19:03)

    Hi Sally and/or Andrew
    I am sure this can be a very atmospheric short, even if a few re-takes are required for the very precise ball striking ! I particularly liked that Sonia wanted to take her revenge before the impact. However, I am not clear what it was for. There are twins and someone has died but I could not follow. It may just be me, so see what others say.

    Over all, a good piece of work

    Regards

    Tom

  • #2

    Paulo (Thursday, 03 January 2019 20:31)

    Hi,

    Good to see a bit of cold-blooded murder.

    As I understand it:
    Tomas is Sonia's twin and so the latter 'felt' him die.
    BUT it was an accident, so why's Sonia so angry? And what does she mean by her final line 'I want you to know it was me that killed you, not God, not a rock: me.' OH so was she being ironic when she suggested it was an 'accident'? And this is plain revenge? If so then it needs to be clearer.

    Needs a bit of a dialogue polish, but this could be pretty cool and atmospheric.

    P.

  • #3

    Andrew Griffin (Friday, 04 January 2019 10:00)

    Thanks for the feedback Tom and Paulo, much appreciated. Not sure how Sally was tagged as the writer but these things happen. ;-)
    In my head it made perfect sense, as always, so I’m really pleased to get some constructive criticism. Rewrite on the way! :-)

  • #4

    Mark Williams (Sunday, 06 January 2019 17:33)

    Hi Andrew

    I really enjoyed this - a sometimes well-needed reminder that humans are inherently vengeful and often petty, which I doubt there'll be a lot of in this project.

    I think the dialogue could do with a polish - you could use onomatopoeia rather than description, so you have more room for dialogue and to enhance the story.

    All in all, good work

  • #5

    Andrew Griffin (Sunday, 13 January 2019 12:25)

    Thanks Mark, all useful feedback. Vengeful and petty indeed. I felt that not everyone would want to atone for their sins before the event, and some would feel an absolute need for closure in a much darker manner.