Theia's love for Christopher leaves her spending the last hour of her life alone.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Lee Crompton (Monday, 18 February 2019 11:42)
Love this short story. Simple but effective. I think the description can be tighter to fit into the 2 pages and is the epilogue needed? If so, maybe condense into her dialling the number so we’re
left to wonder if she does/doesn’t tell him. Just my opinion but I personally prefer the ambiguity of this ending to not being able to make the call. All the ingredients there though. Well done
Peppy Barlow (Saturday, 16 February 2019 15:45)
I really liked this. The whole story of their relationship in 2 pages. Particularly liked the line 'I never saw you coming'. The pregnance could be a step too far but because it is underplayed it
makes the situation very poignant.
Eileen Wilson (Thursday, 14 February 2019 16:46)
I see where this first draft leads and the premise is good, however there are a few points where you could make the script tighter and fit it into two pages.
Tense. For example 'Theia, on the side of the bath tub, watches...', 'Christopher sits topless...', 'begins to get dressed quickly' to 'dresses quickly' etc.
I think you mean 'she hits her phone to silence...'?
Rather than say 'wraps an arm around his waist' and so forth, perhaps it would be more concise with 'embraces him, one arm hidden'?
Mind your full stops at the end of sentences, after 'next words' and 'boys' for example.
Think of your wording as there are some parts where something shorter could save a longer description.
Hope that's useful,