'Flash Me' by Adrianne Fay

Theia's love for Christopher leaves her spending the last hour of her life alone.

'Flash Me' by Adrianne Fay
002-060 Flash Me.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 27.6 KB

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Comments: 1
  • #1

    Eileen Wilson (Thursday, 14 February 2019 16:46)

    Dear Adrianne
    I see where this first draft leads and the premise is good, however there are a few points where you could make the script tighter and fit it into two pages.
    Tense. For example 'Theia, on the side of the bath tub, watches...', 'Christopher sits topless...', 'begins to get dressed quickly' to 'dresses quickly' etc.
    I think you mean 'she hits her phone to silence...'?
    Rather than say 'wraps an arm around his waist' and so forth, perhaps it would be more concise with 'embraces him, one arm hidden'?
    Mind your full stops at the end of sentences, after 'next words' and 'boys' for example.
    Think of your wording as there are some parts where something shorter could save a longer description.
    Hope that's useful,