'Flutter' by Dylanne Corcoran

 

A woman saving for freedom realises the time is now
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'Flutter' by Dylanne Corcoran
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Comments: 8
  • #1

    Christopher Dane (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 14:48)

    There is def something in this idea but I think you have to get us to understand that Junie is not the one in control here for the twist to work... at the moment you set her up as very in control and that jars for me when Dex appears. It also takes away from the ending somewhat that you show us that Junie is actually planning to leave Dex, the for rent and the money, so the end of the world isn't the huge relief it's set up to be, she would have left anyway at some point. I think this could be stronger if you set up Junie more as a victim for us to rejoice at her freedom? Also, and do forgive me because my math isn't much these days, if she takes out a fiver and puts in a tenner then there is 465 Pounds in the jar not 475... or have I misunderstood this?

  • #2

    Dylanne (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 15:18)

    You understood right - I just got the maths wrong!

  • #3

    Tiffany (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 18:43)

    Beautifully written. I love the concept that with impending death is when she finally becomes completely free.

  • #4

    Leanne (Friday, 07 June 2019 05:55)

    Gosh, how moving - and a real change in status from the beginning of scene to the end. At first I thought she might just be OCD with the receipts and money-counting, but it became apparent once Dex arrived why she was so meticulous. An absolute sucker-punch for me when he took her (at first I was confused by the 'dead eye' but soon got that it was the trance she went into during the abuse).

    So thrilled for her when she escaped, and loved the description at the end. Loved the use of the word 'fluttering' three times at the end (I think you may be a poet?).

    My only observation is that sometimes the action is written too much as in a short-story or novel. Early on, especially, you use a lot of adverbs when just choosing the right vigorous verb would convey the tone you want (he 'jabs' the remote, for example, is enough, without the 'belligerently' IMHO). It's not so much about the beauty of the language, but the preciseness and vividness of the visual you're creating for the viewer, that counts most.

  • #5

    David H Navarro (Friday, 07 June 2019 13:12)

    I found this quite moving and wonderfully written. The attention to detail was amazing.

  • #6

    Leilani Holmes (Sunday, 09 June 2019 04:10)

    It's certainly an emotional situation, the oppressive tone comes across very clearly from the beginning (you want to swap a £20 for a £5 with those figures btw) even before we see Dex. It seemed odd that Junie reacted to the end of the world on the news but Dex didn't seem to take it in. Was the TV on mute? If so I think you need to make that clear and in general I think you could make the description less dense. It works well enough as is, she's in a tricky domestic situation, she's abused, she sees an end to it and leaves to enjoy what freedom she can while she can. However, I wonder if it wouldn't introduce a different dramatic element if she saw the news before the sexual abuse and that encounter becomes a final obstacle to her freedom that creates a bit more tension and a bit more pay off for the audience when she gets away at the end? Just a thought.

  • #7

    Chris Aronsten (Monday, 10 June 2019 06:46)

    You've created a very gritty, grim and real world here. I think you could start the script later in the story, and leave room for a few more beats around Junie's freedom, and how that is going to look. One of the worst aspects of domestic violence is that it is the victims who often have to flee their own homes. What if Junie finds her freedom in feeling safe in her own home for once? I like the idea that money is meaningless at a time like this - but what if she knocked Dex out with the money jar? Or if there was a more ironic and surprising use of that key prop?

  • #8

    Marie (Monday, 10 June 2019 21:03)

    You drew a strong image of the characters and environment. I could picture them. I welcomed her escape. And the premise.

    Sometimes the action was so detailed it read like prose and meant I lost the flow of action.