'Hammer Blow' by Gordon Slack LATEST DRAFT

Love and truth opens the pathway to a ceramic reconciliation.

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'Hammer Blow' by Gordon Slack
002-110 Hammer Blow - Draft 2.pdf
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Comments: 5
  • #5

    Gordon Slack (Thursday, 07 February 2019 17:08)

    Hi Kenny
    Thank you for your comments. Much appreciated.
    Gordon

  • #4

    Kenny Allan (Thursday, 07 February 2019 14:24)

    Hi Gordon.
    I liked this story and enjoyed how, privately, we have wee competitions every day with the ones we are closest to. I don't think the relationship is dark- I saw it as good observation of most relationships.
     I understand the last scene and actually agree the strike is necessary in bringing them together both in relationship terms and in real world. Hopefully I've got what you're trying to say. Good story.

  • #3

    Gordon Slack (Thursday, 07 February 2019 08:19)

    Ben and Ricardo
    Thank you both for your comments.

    Ben - I certainly intended this to be dark and humorous as I feel people under the circumstances would be highly stressed and would have to release it in some way that might create humour. I take your points about displaying more their realisation of the gravity of the situation and adding to their emotional responses. Thank you.


    Ricardo

    I agree with your first comment - I will remove the intro. Your second comment contains interesting suggestions; in particular not reaching the impact since I wanted that event to destroy the large gnome thus completing their reconciliation. Much food for thought. Thank you.


    Best Wishes to you both.

    Gordon

  • #2

    Ben Marshall (Tuesday, 05 February 2019 18:56)

    Hi Gordon. I really like this dark humorous piece. Well that's my reading. The exchanges between the two creates a bickering but loving relation ship and the joy they get from their destruction works a treat for me. My only suggestion is to add a little more realisation of the end, a touch of sorrow, at the start of the second scene so we can buy that they fully understand the magnitude of the situation. But decide to release their emotions in other ways. A unique take and I like the pay off right at the end too. Good luck with it. Ben

  • #1

    Ricardo Bravo (Tuesday, 05 February 2019 09:48)

    This story is simple but poignant and had good potential. Some comments.
    1. The first scene doesn't really add anything to the story. The setup is already known by now. You can simply start the story with Sue glaring at the garden gnomes and John grasping the problem.
    2. There is no need to end the story with the impact. Your story is about love and understanding and that comes through. Have fun with the gnomes destruction. Make it a game for them. Or twist expectations and give us a shock ending. Have Sue hitting John on the head. Or have the splinker system coming on, getting them all wet and muddy and frolicking naked in the garden.
    Hope this is useful.


Past Drafts...

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'Hammer Blow' by Gordon Slack
002-042 Hammer Blow by Gordon Slack.pdf
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