'Holding On' by Natalie Teming-Amoako

 

Eleanor 46 has been suffering from depression for 10 years since her fiance was killed in a car accident. She has become a recluse since this incident, but now the impact is on it's way, it's finally time for her to leave her home.
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Holding On by Natalie Teming-Amoako
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Comments: 4
  • #1

    Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:17)

    I like the hope of being reunited with her loved one at the end of this. Not sure why she'd suddenly feel the need to leave the house then though. You might want to play with the timeline a bit, do you need the flashback or would a photo at a distinctive location suffice? Could you begin with the concerned friend to establish clearly and upfront that she's not going outside. Maybe have her try at that point then fail, then later as the world is ending maybe she makes her way out and back to the place where the proposal happened? Whatever you decide to do in the next draft a little clarity would make it the more impactful I think.

  • #2

    Alice Rosso (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 10:33)

    I like the idea of her being reunited with her loved one, but I think you could get the same message without flashbacks? She could even be happy about the end of the world and be quite excited as you see pictures or maybe she plays a voice message he left her or something? Love the story and always prefer when everything happens in present time! But obviously that's just personal preferences!

  • #3

    Josephine Samson (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 23:07)

    I like the hope of Eleanor being reunited with Andre. Perhaps the scene with her friend could come earlier on to establish that she hasn't been outside for two years. The Tooting Bec flashback is enough to give us a sense of her relationship with the man in the picture. We don't necessarily need to see that he passed away we could put the pieces together with the present action if done carefully.

  • #4

    Navdip Sandhu (Sunday, 09 June 2019 17:09)

    Natalie, I liked how this ended. I felt for Eleanor and felt her relief of being reunited with Andre.
    I didn't quite feel the flashback moments of where Eleanor collapses to the floor. The previous flashback of being asked to marry Andre eludes to the fact that he has passed away and I feel some more time could have been spent with Eleanor in the present day to show how lonely she is - just to create more empathy for her.
    I also feel the conversation with her friend could be left out of this as it takes the story away from the loss Eleanor is feeling and their conversation feels forced.
    I hope this helps.