'Hope' by Ryan La Via LATEST DRAFT

Two bullets, one decision, no time.

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Comments: 6
  • #6

    Michael van Koetsveld (Thursday, 02 May 2019 21:50)

    Very succinct and gripping.

    If the first view is from within the cupboard, would we not see the face of the person opening the door? Perhaps not, but I found that small bit unclear.

    Loved the rest.

  • #5

    Ryan (Wednesday, 13 March 2019 23:33)

    Hi Carmen,

    Thanks for the kind words. With the final revolver scene, that’s meant to be AUDIO of the revolver spinning from the EXT. not actually seeing it. Suppose it could have been written differently. Cheers!

  • #4

    Carmen Radtke (Monday, 04 March 2019 10:06)

    Very tense and tight. Beautiful! Two things: Ehen she’s feeling for something that is already searching. No rummage to see if there’s another bullet? And the final scene is exterior, but you describe the revolver spinning. The revolver is inside the house...
    Great script!

  • #3

    Eileen Wilson (Thursday, 21 February 2019 14:42)

    Dear Ryan
    I still think the basic premise here is sound but I think it might be hard to direct the dog and you lose the intensity of the daughter and mother demographic.
    If there is one bullet and the mother has to kill her offspring, she will 'protect' her daughter but destroy her own life/sanity, also will the daughter resent her for killing the weakest one, is that how her mother perceives her?
    If the daughter shoots her Mum, who will care for her once her carer is gone if the Impact fails to happen?
    I think you could get a lot out of this. Other wee points are...
    'Female hands reach up'? Stick to present tense here for flow, perhaps?
    Rather than 'written' maybe 'scrawled' would be more descriptive?
    Good Luck, hope you get more reads.
    Best wishes, Eileen

  • #2

    Ryan La Via (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 03:19)

    Hi Eileen,

    Thank you for the notes, much appreciated. I’ll surely keep them in mind while writing a 2nd draft. Cheers!

  • #1

    Eileen Wilson (Saturday, 09 February 2019 18:43)

    Dear Ryan
    I like the idea here but think you've missed a trick not just finishing it within the one page and letting the viewer decide what happens.
    Think of word choice. For 'gets louder', you could have 'bang', 'creak', or something more descriptive perhaps?
    The same with 'the mess', is it basically 'clutter'? 'clutter on the top shelf' removes the 'sitting'. For tense, 'sits' and 'removes' etc might make it more concise?
    I think it's the idea of kindness that the mother doesn't want to kill her daughter but will if she has to that appeals here. By spinning the gun, she treats her as an adult and gives them both the choice. There is a bullet for each, who goes first? (If there were only one, it changes the dynamic).
    If it were me, I'd leave it at the gun spin, have them both go for it and a bang. That tells the story they both love each other and want the other not to suffer. With the end with the dog you know there are only two bullets and it's not clear who survives and what benefit it gives. If one is left with the dog and they are due to die anyway, there is no clarity, if you see what I mean.
    Hope that helps for Draft 2,
    Kind regards,
    Eileen


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'Hope' by Ryan La Via
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