'Hope' by Ryan La Via

Two bullets, one decision, no time.

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'Hope' by Ryan La Via
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Comments: 2
  • #2

    Ryan La Via (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 03:19)

    Hi Eileen,

    Thank you for the notes, much appreciated. I’ll surely keep them in mind while writing a 2nd draft. Cheers!

  • #1

    Eileen Wilson (Saturday, 09 February 2019 18:43)

    Dear Ryan
    I like the idea here but think you've missed a trick not just finishing it within the one page and letting the viewer decide what happens.
    Think of word choice. For 'gets louder', you could have 'bang', 'creak', or something more descriptive perhaps?
    The same with 'the mess', is it basically 'clutter'? 'clutter on the top shelf' removes the 'sitting'. For tense, 'sits' and 'removes' etc might make it more concise?
    I think it's the idea of kindness that the mother doesn't want to kill her daughter but will if she has to that appeals here. By spinning the gun, she treats her as an adult and gives them both the choice. There is a bullet for each, who goes first? (If there were only one, it changes the dynamic).
    If it were me, I'd leave it at the gun spin, have them both go for it and a bang. That tells the story they both love each other and want the other not to suffer. With the end with the dog you know there are only two bullets and it's not clear who survives and what benefit it gives. If one is left with the dog and they are due to die anyway, there is no clarity, if you see what I mean.
    Hope that helps for Draft 2,
    Kind regards,
    Eileen