Lorenzo Colonna (Wednesday, 03 April 2019 16:02)

Hey Mark. Great script, I like both Don and Andre, and I love the ending. :)
A couple of thoughts:
1. I didn't thought Andre was as religious as Don, so I'm not sure he would kill Don especially because he was against killing the inmates. Do you think it'd be possible to hint that at the beginning when Don grabs the shotgun?
2. Related to the previous thought. Don says "If a man takes the life of any human being, he shall surely be put to death." So why does Andre kill him?
A hell of a first draft!

Emma Pullar (Wednesday, 03 April 2019 15:20)

Hi Mark,

Really like the imagery and the characters are vivid. I could see both clearly and could even hear their voices.

Motivation wasn't entirely clear because we don't know Karen or what happened. If Don wants the prisoners to suffer before the Impact perhaps he shoots them in the nuts? I could see him telling Andre he is shooting them there to make them really suffer and Andre being horrified. "Don't shoot them in the nuts, man. No one deserves that!" A slight comedy injection would work well, others may feel differently.

Top of P2 "How is this just?" Did you want 'just' or 'justice'? Was wondering if letters were missed off. Also "ANDRE" is missing over the dialogue: "They don't deserve..."

I like the dark ending but wasn't sure who was speaking or laughing from the darkness. The dialogue comes from Man 2 but I struggled to picture him. Maybe he is the guy shot in the nuts? :)

Overall, I love this kind of insanity from characters. A fun read.