'Last Ones Standing' by Sharn Gill LATEST DRAFT

A couple hope the underground caves will save them from their deaths.

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'Last Ones Standing' by Sharn Gill
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Comments: 4
  • #4

    Sharn (Friday, 26 April 2019)

    Thanks Shane - was going for the caves being a short term refuge for the master surviving race. They think (hope) to survive it.... perhaps i need to make that clearer somehow...

  • #3

    Shane Anderson (Thursday, 25 April 2019 10:54)

    Loved the poetry but does it add enough to a very simple story? "A man and his heavily pregnant wife take refuge in old WW2 caves where they glimpse the desperation of others too."

    Why not put them in the cave already with her (or him) writing the poetry. As she writes, she realises the futility of their actions, decides to get out so both she and her unborn child can die in the light. And her partner/husband tries to stop her. Or vice-versa, the husband realises the futility and tries to get her to leave...

    "Before the victory must come the fight."

    Exactly.

    Good luck.

  • #2

    Sharn (Tuesday, 23 April 2019 23:48)

    Thanks Mark - will fix the minor glitches you mention and have a think about their desperation!! �

  • #1

    Mark Walker (Monday, 22 April 2019 09:18)

    Hey Sharn - nice one! I only have a couple of comments, perhaps to play up the desperation of the couple and hint more at what they might have had to do to get here - why should we care about this couple in particular - although I appreciate that is very difficult in the space you have - you may be able to do this if you take out some of the poetry to give you more space - but I know that is not going to be an easy choice for you (I liked the poetry voice-over so it is not an easy decision....and the poetry does make it stand out from other entries)

    Secondly, the very first scene - perhaps the SLUG should just say they are at the Chislehurst Cave entrance....when you started with STREETS OF KENT, I was a bit confused by the sudden appearance of caves! :-) Minor thing really, but I had to read it a couple of times to be sure, so took me out of it a little at first.

    Ooh, one other thing - at the bottom of page 1 when the husband kisses the wife, perhaps that should come after they hear the baby cry to reinforce the reason for coming and their relief at being here?

    Good luck!