When an oppressed woman learns of the impact she takes measures to ensure she goes out on her terms.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Michael van Koetsveld (Friday, 26 April 2019 23:20)
I agree about losing the Chemist's to make it more likely to be produced, and some of the other minor comments, but overall a lovely story arc.
Shane Anderson (Friday, 26 April 2019 14:11)
There is good stuff here, Jo, but for me you need to forget the chemist's and keep it all closely focused on Jacob and Chardonnay and their brutal, controlling relationship. Maybe she learns of the
world's impending doom after she's killed him? - that 'earned them' being the last straw.... of course you'd have to introduce the beach earlier... maybe she has a doggy t-shirt on... or he sits on a
stuffed cuddly dog .... sorry just riffing... ('cos I loved the dog at the end - that 'where've you been all my life' thing) ...
Also cutting the chemist could mean it gets made!
Sharn (Friday, 26 April 2019 00:25)
Liked the story - have you tried it without Dialogue? Will force stronger action perhaps!
Love the story and the ending is cool too - perhaps have the dog bring her a piece of something belonging to her bf and she crushes it, laughing and runs with her dog?
Karelia Scott-Daniels (Wednesday, 17 April 2019)
I agree with Paul Franklin and the others about the dialogue and showing his controlling behaviour and the condoms because men hate them so if the world's ending, I'd imagine they wouldn't agree to
But I like the story and have something similar but different and set on the other side of the world.
Paul W Franklin (Tuesday, 09 April 2019 19:49)
I have a few niggling issues with this...
Firstly, Jacob just doesn't feel realistic, and nor does his dialogue. It just feels too cliché. I'm sure you can make it more realistic, and also hint at bullying/controlling behaviour too, make it
Why would they bother with condoms? STIs and pregnancy aren't issues if they're all gonna die... plus he'd probably steal a bunch of other stuff. And the girl's line does feel a bit forced.
Her dialogue page 2 doesn't feel realistic, especially considering they've both been unaware of the status quo. Plus she might surprise him by bringing back Bollinger champagne and something else
And he might also not want to shag her because she's got her period?
And lastly, do stray dogs bring sticks? Maybe she finds one nearby and throws it for him? Or just shares some food.
Hope this helps,
Mark Walker (Friday, 05 April 2019 07:20)
Hi Jo, great stuff....as I am a bit slow I only remembered I had read an earlier version of this a while back. Some nice little tweaks since then and it reads really well, love it!
Emma Pullar (Thursday, 04 April 2019 20:02)
Fab story. I like the ending. I love it when characters take the power back.
I also think the teenagers would not engage with Chardonay. Also, would she take the word of a couple of young criminals looting a shop?
She finds the window smashed and him stealing. Perhaps she says, what's going on? Then the girl looks up from her phone, points to the screen and Chardonay hears/sees the news.
I would have loved a bit more violence at the end. Smash the bottle over his head while he is choking. Go on girl, do it!! Haha.
Great work. Well done.
Lorenzo Colonna (Thursday, 04 April 2019 09:44)
Hey Jo. I like the story and how you were able to show us Chardonay's situation and her change in just two pages. And I _LOVE_ the ending. The dog is a beautiful touch. My only thought, and I'm
splitting hairs here, is about the teenage girl who reveals the asteroid situation. A very good dialogue, but it sounds a little bit on the nose. But maybe it's just me. :)
Carmen Radtke (Wednesday, 03 April 2019 21:04)
Nice! It went exactly where I wanted it to go. I’d cut the last sentence and instead show her happiness. Does she laugh? Pet the dog as he returns the stick?
I’m not sure if the girl would really giggle, just because she isn’t going to die a virgin.
I like it. Really like it.