'Lunch Money' by Mark Walker REVISED DRAFT

After saving up his lunch money, a bulled school boy gets inventive revenge on the bully who made his life hell.

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'Lunch Money' by Mark Walker REVISED DRAFT
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Comments: 10
  • #10

    Mark Walker (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 09:42)

    Hi Christopher, thanks for the comments. I feel you might be right about the second phrase, although this guy is a nerd and a geek and I imagine him as someone doing a lot of reading, so he may get away with it, but I'm pretty sure we could figure out something better for a 13 year old if we made the film. Obviously this 'bio' is in my head and doesn't come across in the 2 pages all that well.

    As for "you're fucking insane" that was pretty much a daily expression when I was at secondary school! ���

    But interesting thoughts and I'll give the dialogue another pass.

    Cheers

    Mark

  • #9

    Christopher Dane (Saturday, 01 June 2019 11:21)

    Suitably dark and the revenge theme works well with the brief, only thing is that I didn't feel the dialogue suited two 13 year-olds, "You're fucking INSANE..." and "A bit late for that, don't you think?" just felt a little too grown up if that makes sense?

  • #8

    Mark Walker (Saturday, 25 May 2019 08:42)

    Thanks Jennifer! :-)

  • #7

    JK Murphy (Wednesday, 22 May 2019 15:43)

    Really like this, Mark, especially how it's shot from Gary's POV. Wicked!
    - Jennifer

  • #6

    Mark Walker (Sunday, 28 April 2019 18:01)

    Thanks Richard, glad you liked it... And thanks for the suggestions!

  • #5

    Richard Osborne (Saturday, 27 April 2019 13:12)

    Ooooohhh, brilliant. Unfortunately I read some of the comments first which gave me a few hints, so spoiler warning for anyone else :)

    I think this works really well. It’s terrifying but we can identify with it.

    I had some ideas, which I’ll add, but which I’m not convinced will add anything, but something for you to think about if you like;
    1) A more specific/less generic name that William was called by Gary or an escalation of what has happened, ‘Because I’m a nerd, who has no friends to help him, who’ll never be strong enough - something which is about William saying actually I am stronger than you after all.
    2) Perhaps a phone/clock which shows the minutes left to the event.

  • #4

    Mark Walker (Friday, 26 April 2019 15:33)

    Thanks All, glad you like it!

    Shane, interesting thoughts and will have a think for the rewrite.
    Sharn, I tried to be subtle with the reference to how much time they have so I could try and keep the announcement out completely to save space.... the viewers will know what is happening so hopefully put 2 and 2 together, but a bit more in the reference to time might be useful.

    Michael, if someone wants to make this we might need to make sure we have sufficient insurance! :-)

  • #3

    Shane Anderson (Friday, 26 April 2019 14:46)

    I really like this. It is wickedly wonderful. I did think of things you could add in about dropping off bits with his mum and the shears being 'Ever sharp - A lifetime guarantee' but really it doesn't need these.

    Good luck.

  • #2

    Sharn Gill (Friday, 26 April 2019 00:05)

    I like this concept actually - the exacting of revenge at the final moments. There was no mention of the impending end of the world though...

  • #1

    Michael van Koetsveld (Thursday, 25 April 2019 23:17)

    With some inventive camera work, dodging and ducking to avoid the thrown items, this looks like a very makeable film. Just need to armour the camera operator!

Past Draft

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'Lunch Money' by Mark Walker
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