Mother and Daughter spend the last 2 minutes of their life doing the only thing that always brought them happiness: baking their favourite cake together.
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Jaye Nolan (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 11:57)
Your really capture the urgency, I was out of breath reading it! Good job, great close up visuals for a fast paced film.
Christopher Dane (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:16)
Really like this one, tragic and comic in equal measure, maybe I would change the last line "Everything is going to be OK" to "They made it" just because everything really isn't going to be okay and
neither of the two would think that. This would be so much fun to film, hope someone does!
David Wike (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 20:38)
The sense of racing time drew me in.
For me this comes off the page more through the visuals and less in what is said. Following that thought... I wondered if perhaps some of the dialogue on the first page was superfluous and its
intention realisable through action / visual story telling?
By way of example, when Rebecca asks 'How Long?' if she doesn't get an answer it says more than a confirmatory statement. Equally, Carla's last two lines on Pg1 - dropping them (and keeping
Rebecca's) drives the intention for her to chop faster and the subsequent injury which slows progress.
Within the tragic-comedy tone picked up on, I felt the script had space to let the moment breathe when the Cake is first dolloped out. Is it a success or something of a disappointment to them? If the
latter then it motivates slathering it in mousse and the reaction drives through to the culmination.
Couldn't escape thinking the title should be 'Have your Cake and Eat It'!
Overall, great fun.
Neil Elton (TC) (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 22:41)
Hi Alice, your story is so well written with some brilliantly laser sharp descriptions. I loved the juxtaposition between "a whisk frantically beats up a chocolate mouse" and "they smile with love.
Everything is going to be OK". It is a wonderful journey. Carla and Rebecca have achieved their task, in a wonderful human story, spent their last moment in happiness and that is all everyone can
hope for in life. I would consider it an honour to write with you on Talent Campus.
Harriet Riley (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 03:08)
I adore this juxtaposition. In a funny sort of way, this story would just as well outside the story world of Impact 50, perhaps even better, because that way, we wouldn't know why they were in such a
rush to make the cake. Then, the world ending would come as a kind of twist. An insanely over-the-top and brilliant twist.
Dylanne (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 14:16)
Love the premise of joy being found in the simple things and shared goals! A very smooth and fast-paced read which draws us in and makes us care!
There is one tiny thing that jars for me. When Rebecca has such a bonded relationship with cake and its ingredients why would she call the mousse a 'mother-..? Maybe in humour but at that moment it
feels too urgent for humour.
Theo Schofield (Thursday, 06 June 2019 10:14)
What I like about this story is that it has a really, really ‘get-able’ premise. Two people are just trying to an ordinary, otherwise mundane activity but the world is ending. Also, I like the fact
that the dramatic tension is at no point abandoned or diluted; we are repeatedly reminded as viewers of the possibility of the world ending at any moment. However, there does not seem to be much of a
choice made by the characters. There is no decision which reveals something about them. But all the ingredients- if you’ll pardon the pun- for a really taut story are there. This can be seen in the
ending, where as soon as they have the cake, the meteor wipes them out.
Leilani Holmes (Sunday, 09 June 2019 02:43)
Wonderful forward momentum in this piece, it's funny, endearing and tense, tragic and ultimately satisfying, at least in terms of their goal. I liked the little moments where they disconnect from
their urgency to connect with each other like the cut and the sharing of the cake, and while it reads well on the page I think you can keep the visuals even more engaging for the finished film by
including one or two more tiny connected moment's like this to keep the audience fully invested throughout.
Jonathan (Sunday, 09 June 2019 17:58)
Love that you have taken something so everyday and amped it up for the impact. It brings the comedy and pathos together nicely. I’d just say perhaps the characters sound a little similar so it might
be worth looking at ways to differentiate them in the next draft.