Mundane conversations can be the most essential.
I want to option this script... CLICK HERE
Michael van Koetsveld (Monday, 29 April 2019 20:44)
I know this is relying heavily on dialogue, but I would still cut it further. There are some lovely comical bits, and a nice reveal. Keep at it.
PWF (Thursday, 18 April 2019 21:54)
New draft uploaded. :)
Paul W Franklin (Monday, 04 March 2019 22:32)
Hi, thanks for your comments.
I like the soap idea, that's proper creepy!
Actually the notion is that his wife's fairly recently deceased. I heard that some people deal with the loss by relacing their partner with a dummy/doll and dress them, have dinner with them etc.
Hence the photos around the lounge. Maybe I need to make that slightly clearer?
Gordon Slack (Monday, 25 February 2019 21:28)
I love this idea - people having relationships with dummies is gloriously disturbing.
I agree with the previous comments about keeping the reveal late. Also, I suggest removing the final dialogue (37 years 274 days) since the less said the better. It also confused me slightly in that
had he been having a relationship with the dummy all that time?
Maybe he could have also bought soap and shampoo for her bath - the creepier the better.
Best Wishes with this.
Paul W Franklin (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 14:47)
Thanks both of you, I'm definitely going to take that on board in the rewrite.
Lee Crompton (Sunday, 10 February 2019 10:10)
Well done Paul. I love Albert as a character, could really picture him and the scenes in the house. I agree with Catherine though, if you were to focus on Albert coming back from the shops and then
popping his head in, I think this might benefit the reveal. Nice script overall though. Well done.
catherine williams (Monday, 28 January 2019 10:36)
What a great concept - I love Albert's banter - so law-abiding, inane and apparently normal - and then the reveal of what Jill is - chilling and yet oddly heart-warming!
To keep things more ambiguous from the off, why not use Albert's POV as the script begins, rather than starting in the living room. It might be nice to enter through the front door with him, with his
shopping and his chatter, dropping his keys, shoving the door shut with his foot, picking up post??, and just have him poke his head in in passing as he goes past the living room so we just see Jill
from behind and think less of the fact that she is still - it underlines that all seems to be very normal.
You can make more of the photo perhaps by having him look at it more longingly (in the hallway/kitchen) - not just needing the camera to catch sight of it, but instead looking at it pointedly through
his eyes, making it something we viewers are shown and know that we need to see.
If it's could be possible to save the reveal that Jill is a dummy to the final moment, it would be all the more poignant and chilling. For me, the reveal comes ever so slightly too soon at the mo.
What do you think?
Hope this is useful, catherine