'The Last Supper' by Paul W Franklin

Mundane conversations can be the most essential.

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'The Last Supper' by Paul W Franklin
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Comments: 3
  • #3

    Paul W Franklin (Tuesday, 12 February 2019 14:47)

    Thanks both of you, I'm definitely going to take that on board in the rewrite.

    P.

  • #2

    Lee Crompton (Sunday, 10 February 2019 10:10)

    Well done Paul. I love Albert as a character, could really picture him and the scenes in the house. I agree with Catherine though, if you were to focus on Albert coming back from the shops and then popping his head in, I think this might benefit the reveal. Nice script overall though. Well done.

  • #1

    catherine williams (Monday, 28 January 2019 10:36)

    Hi Paul
    What a great concept - I love Albert's banter - so law-abiding, inane and apparently normal - and then the reveal of what Jill is - chilling and yet oddly heart-warming!
    To keep things more ambiguous from the off, why not use Albert's POV as the script begins, rather than starting in the living room. It might be nice to enter through the front door with him, with his shopping and his chatter, dropping his keys, shoving the door shut with his foot, picking up post??, and just have him poke his head in in passing as he goes past the living room so we just see Jill from behind and think less of the fact that she is still - it underlines that all seems to be very normal.
    You can make more of the photo perhaps by having him look at it more longingly (in the hallway/kitchen) - not just needing the camera to catch sight of it, but instead looking at it pointedly through his eyes, making it something we viewers are shown and know that we need to see.
    If it's could be possible to save the reveal that Jill is a dummy to the final moment, it would be all the more poignant and chilling. For me, the reveal comes ever so slightly too soon at the mo. What do you think?
    Hope this is useful, catherine