'Last Push 'Till We Meet Again' by Tasbir Malle

A bed bound disabled woman over comes her pain and finds the strength to be with her beloved dogs one last time

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'Last Push 'Till We Meet Again' by Tasbir Malle
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Comments: 4
  • #4

    Tasbir (Friday, 26 April 2019 15:10)

    Hi Shane,

    I'm glad you like this, thanks for reading this and for your suggestions, I like the idea of Karam bringing a puppy at the end, also I shall correct the spelling mistake!
    thanks

  • #3

    Shane Anderson (Friday, 26 April 2019 10:41)

    This is a fab story. You obviously understand the travails of a disabled person and the bonds we all need to form with other living beings be it dog, cat, man or woman. Two suggestions: find a way of referencing her connection with her animals at the beginning. A dog barking as she wakes (real or dreamt???), a hand reaching out across the bedclothes as a reflex?

    At the end, could Karam bring her a young puppy?

    Other thoughts. When you introduce a character use capitals DULJIT (30s) and KARAM (btw you spell this 'Karem' initially). Does she need to speak as much as she does? Perhaps this is how she gets through things? expresses her exasperation.

    Good luck

  • #2

    Tasbir Malle (Friday, 19 April 2019 14:47)

    Hi Emma,

    Thanks for taking the time to feedback.

    I agree it could be tightened up. I was a little anxious this would read as too real and you make a good point about her winning at a cost, second thoughts tell me to ditch Rocky quote and let Duljit do her thing.

    Shall have another play around at the edit. I'm glad you liked this and thanks for your comments - it is different but agree it is fitting to the theme.

  • #1

    Emma Pullar (Friday, 19 April 2019 11:47)

    Hi Taz,

    I loved the opening. Eerie and atmospheric with the TV on mute and the countdown. The character is interesting. I wanted to know where she was going.
    I think you can tighten it up a little by removing superfluous words like, her leg 'yanks up into a' spasm(s) and beeps 'a tone'.

    After she quotes Rocky she fails. For me, I would have liked her to win, even at a cost. Topples onto the bench and then falls down and hits the ground hard. Still, she did it!

    I think this story would be a great addition to the film. I hope it gets made.