A child plays by the prone body of her drug addict mother, plotting their final magical escape.
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Eileen Wilson (Thursday, 24 January 2019 18:02)
I like where you are going with the story but got a bit confused with all the Off-Screen bits. They'd be better on-screen for the drama to build, or a Voice Over (V.O).
I'd have 'pounds' as opposed to 'is pounding'.
At 'Now a Roar', you could have A TERRIFYING ROAR RIPS THROUGH THE WALLS. It perhaps has better flow?
At the end, I'd have the child say 'I have to do a wee now' as it's honest and the Dad would have to go to find her.
Like the story though. The dolls could be creepy and a different angle.