Depression pushes people to the very edge, but with the right support, every cloud has a silver lining, even the end of the world.
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Emma Pullar (Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:51)
Love, love, love this new version. Very well done in taking the feedback and turning your script from good to great. I smiled at the end. I have to say, this is one of my favourite Impact50
I hope someone makes it!
Michael van Koetsveld (Tuesday, 14 May 2019 23:28)
Thank you Emma, it's easy to make great changes with fantastic, spot-on notes.
Ben Marshall (Monday, 20 May 2019 22:02)
Hi Michael. A very well observed powerful script. Very visual and should be pretty attractive to shoot too. I have two comments. First, you describe a lot of content for those letters to cover,
expecting the audience to read re redundancy and solicitor's letters etc. I think the final demand letters and perhaps another will be enough without relying on having to read the content. I really
think there should be a cut after he learns the news. It seems to quick to sink in. Great stuff and best of luck with it. Ben
Jen Lyon (Tuesday, 21 May 2019 03:40)
What a fantastic script. Realistic language, detailed and heartfelt. In a sacred time where you only have a few moments to live, you go back to the basics about what really matters. I want to see a
little more time with the second character joining in and remaining in the moment of being together. The beginning can set the stage so quickly with just showing the house askew, the ignored dishes,
the letters piling up, etc. With such a huge lead in with the theme, it's important to keep that pace going so bringing in the wife will keep that momentum without losing where your protagonist is
coming from in his mental state.
Fantastic, I really want to see the end result!
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 22 May 2019 12:05)
Hi Ben and Jen,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I have used all my submission slots, unfortunately, but when it comes to the shooting script, if I get to make it myself, I will certainly incorporate your very
Karelia (Wednesday, 29 May 2019 08:04)
I think you're currently editing the film of this yourself. Well done - it's a lovely script and a simple but relatable idea and easy to film - or so it seems!
It occurs to me that talking about the asteroid might be overkill? I know some scripts will but I really like the idea that you find some way of her telling him without mentioning it, e.g. just
yelling Look and thrusting her phone at him or something? It feels less expositional to me as the audience know that information from the beginning of the film. Just a thought as I am pretty sure you
are in editing hell, but well done!
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 09:01)
Love that detail!
I actually have about five new drafts, each inspired by helpful notes like yours, so hopefully the shooting script will really sizzle!
Thank you for your feedback.
Michael van Koetsveld (Friday, 10 May 2019 10:59)
Some great feedback, which I have incorporated into version 2 and submitted, so we'll just have to wait till it hits this page and see what you think, if you don't mind having another read then.
Emma Pullar (Wednesday, 01 May 2019 16:54)
The opening is great. Here is someone we can all relate to.
A few decriptions could be tighter. "Fabian is so startled by the intrusion and jumps up..."
Fabian is startled, he jumps up...
At the end he accepts her word that the world is ending. I don't think anyone would accept that without evidence. Have her show him a news report on her phone.
Great ending. Love that he is happy. It's a good contrast to the other scripts.
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 01 May 2019 09:52)
Thanks Mark, insightful as ever!
Mark Walker (Wednesday, 01 May 2019 07:15)
Hey Michael - still love this idea - just one though - at the end, I wonder if you can briefly show a slow change in Tricia - I am not sure after hearing the news of the end of the world and walking
in on her suicidal husband that she might be that keen to dance? If at first she is swung around by Fabian, confused, and then slowly realises why he is laughing and getting "the joke" before
throwing herself into it - very minor point, but just a thought. Good stuff!
Michael van Koetsveld (Tuesday, 30 April 2019 21:59)
I have thought of a possible title change, but will leave it as is for now.