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• #1

  Ricardo Bravo (Wednesday, 06 February 2019 10:45)

  This is an interesting concept and it has a lot of potential. I particularly likes Abigail's reaction in the end as it brings the point home. However, it has some issues.
  - The names are confusing. Having a Ryan and a Ruth makes it difficult to differentiate who is talking.
  - "Through the violent mayhem"? Not sure what you mean by this.
  - Ruth throws the bottle and Ryan looks after it amused. Is he desperate or not?
  - It is later known that Ryan killed his uncle, so he would be looking for forgiveness, for absolution, not baptism. Play with this. Have Ruth point out to try the Catholic church around the corner.
  - Bring in the baptism by having Ryan looking desperately for any option that would save him from eternal damnation.
  - Also, the whole killing is taken very lightly by both Ruth and Abigail. There is no reaction from them to the news.
  - Tighten the dialogues. There is a lot of unnecessary repetition and overdrawn speeches.
  - You cannot buy insurance after the fact, so the insurance line doesn't really work.
  Hope this is useful.