A teenage girl learns that it's wiser to fight for your siblings than fight with them.
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Christopher Dane (Monday, 03 June 2019 19:31)
I like this tale of sister rivalry reconciliation and really want to see more of them at the end... maybe you don't need the second 'set piece' with the nail polish but just ramp up the first, see
the two sisters do separate things (packing vs music/tablet), then mum saying 'go get' and then spend a little more time showing the love between the sisters at the end?
Tiffany (Monday, 03 June 2019 19:47)
This has a very "Do you want to build a snowman" like feel to it. One sibling vying for the attention of another, which is nice. I think you could give Emma more of an opportunity to comfort Jay in
order to better play out the concept that in the end we have to be there for one another no matter what. Perhaps the ground shakes and Jay hides somewhere in the house and Emma has to find her. Emma
finds Jay hiding in a make shift fort. They play Jay's game. A bright light is approaching them from outside. Jay is scared. Emma comforts her and says something like "One more round. I bet I can
beat you this time." Just an example.
Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 22:18)
I like the simple, loving tale of reconciliation, however given that one sibling seems to know what's happening I would have thought they'd make their way straight back to mum. But it's lovely though
and I think makes for a very nice slice of life piece.
Neil Elton (TC) (Monday, 03 June 2019 22:48)
Hi Teodora, beautiful story, it resonances with me how you can never take anyone for granted. It was beautiful told and the pacing was very nice.
Theo Schofield (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:06)
You seem to have nailed the hardest part of writing in such a short form- character development. We see Emma change; this development hinges on the premise of Impact50,- i.e. because the world is
ending, she is kind to her sister. However, this might have been the moment at which to end the story. You could have maintained the happy, reconciliatory tone with Emma finding Jay, as we know Emma
was originally distracted by her YouTube channel, and not interested in her sister. Or if you wanted to change the tone, you could end the story with Emma looking for Jay as the sky darkens. There is
nothing wrong with ‘getting out early’, as it were, something I have not yet mastered either!
David H Navarro (Saturday, 08 June 2019 19:22)
I loved the simplicity of your story. It reminded me of my sibling who I miss dearly. Thank you.
Kim Ramsay (Monday, 10 June 2019 13:50)
You’ve created a strong, believable relationship dynamic between the two sisters.
I wondered if we should see more urgency from Emma when she’s looking for her sister - does she realise it’s a result of her behaviour earlier that day? Does Emma tell her mother that Jay is missing?
Perhaps her mother could blame Emma for Jay running away - thereby raising the stakes for her to find her and bring her home.
And when Emma does find Jay, does she want to get her back home before the end to be with their mother? If there’s mayhem in the playground, is Jay afraid and wondering what is happening? Or does
Emma distract her sister from what is really unfolding, so she is blissfully unaware in her final moments?