'Sickday' by Leilani Holmes

 

A couple recover from the night before, unaware of the imminent end of the world.
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'Sickday' by Leilani Holmes
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Comments: 17
  • #1

    Christopher Dane (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:07)

    This one tickled me... great descriptions and nice dialogue, plays well on the brief and would stand out between all the doom and gloom... would you consider giving it a bitter sweet ending by having Janine at the end say "...I'll feel so much better in the morning" just a thought.

  • #2

    David Wike (Monday, 03 June 2019 22:02)

    Vibrant, light, witty, something of a release in a bleak context. As the script leans on dialogue that is highly characterised it needs to be on the money and, for the most part, is. However, some of JT's word use / turn of phrase (i.e. 'dramatists') took me out of visualising this couple and relationship. Whilst I enjoyed the script and it's promise I couldn't settle as to whether it were televisual or cinematic.

  • #3

    Alice Rosso (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 08:25)

    Love this little romance! I found the character very unique and you can def tell who they are in so little time! Love the reverse expectation between parents and children and well, it's pretty hilarious!!

  • #4

    Liz Briggs (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 08:25)

    I really like the light dialogue, and the text that Janine thinks is a joke is a good idea. It is amusing that she is so convinced everyone is hungover from the previous night, that now she feels better after being sick she can just go ahead and have her breakfast.

  • #5

    Jaye Nolan (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 10:39)

    Love the dialogue and larger than life characters; I'm sure a directors/actors would enjoy making this! A fun feel that includes poignancy, with the mention of the possible pregnancy that will never go to term.

  • #6

    Michelle (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:12)

    Hi Lelani, I really liked your characters and the dialogue was so animated and lively, I totally got who they were. I agree with Jaye, it would be fun to film and refreshing that the chaos ahead doesn't manifest in their comfortable little world.. the best way go.

  • #7

    Simon Olivier (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 14:01)

    I love the tone of this, and the relationship between these two, they're an easy couple to picture... perhaps a small dialogue tweak here and there, but that's the kind of thing that would really come when the director was rehearsing the actors... I really like them taking the text message as referring to a hangover... Perhaps could do with a few more visual queues, as it does end up being two people sat at a table talking... what other ways can the end of the world subtly be introduced visually... maybe the postman not delivering something that's expected... or a noise/sirens outside that play havoc with Janine's hangover? Feels like a few simple visual aspects would really lift what is already a very solid premise.

  • #8

    Simon Olivier (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 14:02)

    **Just annoyed myself by writing 'queues' instead of 'cues'!!!

  • #9

    Josephine Samson (Tuesday, 04 June 2019)

    I like JT, his sarcasm is on the money. His use of words bring out his character. I like the fact that they're in their 50s, possibly soon to be grandparents and they're living their best lives. I was slightly put off by the 'Uuuughooo', 'Teeheehee' and 'Hehe' in the dialogue, they don't work when you read out loud.

  • #10

    Thandi Lubimbi (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 19:54)

    I found it quite sweet and funny. Loved the couple, they came across as soul mates. A couple of times the dialogue felt a bit stilted though and it took me out of the script.

  • #11

    Courtney Gayle (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 21:52)

    I especially liked JT's dialogue. I also enjoyed/but was simultaneously saddened by their obliviousness to their impending doom. Also felt bad for Sharon.

    The dialogue was generally good, I think some of it could be touched up towards the end.

  • #12

    Leilani Holmes (Saturday, 08 June 2019 23:53)

    Thanks all for you time reading and your considered feedback. Lots for me to think about. One thing I left out was that I was hearing/writing the dialogue in Scottish accents from both characters, and based on real people so that may be why it read a little off key in places. I hadn't wanted to lock down a particular region, but perhaps in that case I could make the accent and word use more neutral and it might read better or at least mention they are Scottish so the dialogue could be reviewed and altered if it was filmed in a different place. Food for thought. Appreciate all your time.

  • #13

    Bianca (Sunday, 09 June 2019 21:53)

    Hi Leilani, I liked a lot your piece (as so many others as I see) so well done! I think as a scene it’s very well achieved, I was just confused (could be my English too), does Janine change before leaving the toilet? I didn’t get whether JT was being ironic or not. Also I found there was no real conflict (beside the fact that the world will end), but it also doesn’t need one. If you were to try to put some more tension in, without it losing its nice tone, maybe the phone could ring a couple of times (the son who’s trying to reach them) and they just miss each other? Just an idea :)

  • #14

    Marie J (Monday, 10 June 2019 14:07)

    That made me smile. What a happy way to die.

    I like the unaware aspect. There isn't much prep time. Some lightness is welcomed in films of this nature. Also quite like the premise featuring an older couple after a big night out. Not something you see often.

    Does it need more tension? Maybe the phone could ring at the end or maybe even one of them doesn't use a mobile and the other's is off?

  • #15

    Marie J (Monday, 10 June 2019 14:08)

    That made me smile. What a happy way to die.

    I like the unaware aspect. There isn't much prep time. Some lightness is welcomed in films of this nature. Also quite like the premise featuring an older couple after a big night out. Not something you see often.

    Does it need more tension? Maybe the phone could ring at the end or maybe even one of them doesn't use a mobile and the other's is off?

  • #16

    Kim Ramsay (Monday, 10 June 2019 14:23)

    What a fun read! I enjoyed this hangover romp - for the most part the dialogue between them is funny, and gives a good picture of their relationship. I love how she misinterprets the text messages from Jimmy.
    A couple of people have mentioned the lack of conflict, perhaps Janine can be worried about some of her actions the previous night, if she’s that hungover? Or she can't remember something she said to Jimmy & Sharon?
    I’d love to see a couple of actors bring these characters to life :)

  • #17

    Marie (Monday, 10 June 2019 21:04)

    That made me smile. What a happy way to die.

    I like the unaware aspect. There isn't much prep time. Some lightness is welcomed in films of this nature. Also quite like the premise featuring an older couple after a big night out. Not something you see often.

    Does it need more tension? Maybe the phone could ring at the end or maybe even one of them doesn't use a mobile and the other's is off?

    Maybe elements of the dialogue were too heavy, pushed too far?