'Swings and Roundabouts' by Michelle Hood LATEST DRAFT

A young boy finds compassion in a hard landscape.

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'Swings and Roundabouts' by Michelle Hood
002-101 Swings and Roundabouts by Michel
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Comments: 3
  • #3

    Stephanie Ginger (Saturday, 06 April 2019 17:28)

    Hi Michelle,
    I enjoyed this tale of this boy effectively abandoned by his useless parents, finding comfort in the apocalypse, as it were. Very visual, stark but moving, rather Andrea Arnold. I can see it playing out well.
    As Ben said, you might benefit from trimming down the action description as there's a lot going on that the reader needs to take in and if done (edited) well, it wouldn't take away from the tone and imagery of the piece.

    For example:
    The girl slows herself, scraping her soles across the gravel until she and the swing are still. She stares up at the tiered flats facing her on all but one side.

    Could be: The swing slows. The girl's soles scrape across the gravel. The swing stops. She stares up at the apartment blocks looming on three sides.

    I like this script and hope someone gets on and makes it.

    BTW, thanks so much for your kind words on my work in your blog. Much appreciated. :)

  • #2

    Ben marshall (Saturday, 23 March 2019 08:20)

    Hi Michelle. I really like this. Very cinematic with an understated yet powerful conclusion. Apocalypse through innocent eyes works very well. Only comments are if possible perhaps try and thin out some of early description which looks a little dense eg "and there's a baby crying" could be "a baby cries". "Dogs bark at one another through walls" could be "dogs bark". Also as this is a global project not sure everyone will know what a REC is. I do, short for recreation ground but will every reader? Not sure. Great stuff though.

  • #1

    Lee Betteridge (Tuesday, 19 March 2019 13:48)

    Hi Michelle
    I really enjoyed this one - had a post-apocalyptic feel to it, the little boy almost like a lone survivor, left to his own devices.
    The minimal dialogue is used very well too.
    Well done!
    Lee


Past Drafts...

Download
'Swings and Roundabouts' by Michelle Hood
002-095 Swings and Roundabouts by Michel
Adobe Acrobat Document 25.8 KB