A fear fuelled decision leads to an action she can't undo, when one desperate woman is pushed to the edge.
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Write a comment
Stephanie Ginger (Thursday, 21 February 2019 10:03)
Hi Ashley, Well done. Great log-line and premise ant the script has the makings of a visual and harrowing film, if demanding to shoot.
My suggestions: although it’s short already you could tighten up the action lines without losing any drama. An example of this would be to change the description of the car radio to:
“The car radio plays only static”
and
“The radio shows 17:35 as she switches it off.
less is often more, i’ve found and it will increase the pacing. don’t have Kate ‘start’ to do anything. Just let her do it. E.g: “Kate yanks the steering wheel and veers off-road”.
It’s quite complicated to read with all the apps and clocks and timers going on. Simplify these so that no reader has to re-read to check what’s actually happening or they lose the drama.
Lastly, try to show Kate’s thoughts in actions rather than feelings. E.g. “she grips the steering wheel, knuckles white”. I don’t think you need “she just wants to be with them” .
You’ve got the basis for a good ironic story here about a woman in turmoil who acts before she thinks. Well done. Hope this helps.
Cheers, Stephanie
Michael van Koetsveld (Wednesday, 15 May 2019 02:10)
I agree with Stephanie's comments, but also think this is a gripping story that took me somewhere other than the place I thought it would. Well done!