'Trial' by Thandi Lubimbi (TC)

 

Love can survive any trial.
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Love can survive any trial.
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Comments: 13
  • #1

    Christopher (Monday, 03 June 2019 18:24)

    Nice one Thandi, I expect most comments will be about the production values... courtroom, prison, car crash, guns, baby... but if someone can get hold of all of this it could make for a nice action piece for the feature.

  • #2

    Tiffany (Monday, 03 June 2019 19:00)

    This is well written. It would be hard to shoot with little to no budget, is my only concern. Is there a way to re write it where she breaks into the jail in a simpler way? Perhaps, she does not know they are gone and sneaks in through a tunnel. Maybe she does know they are gone because guards were shown running away on TV.

  • #3

    Michelle (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:24)

    Thandi,
    This really made me laugh, the voice of Daisy, the actions (Daisy's in labour, she's screaming and driving) some very funny visuals. I like the fact that you use the action to move the story along at times in lieu of dialogue, there are only two pages after all! Cheated a bit at the end though as Daisy's birth seems a little too easy.. squats down and plop! But adds to the humour. Well done.

  • #4

    Bobby (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:25)

    Nice story. Loved it, Thandi. Nice complete little story with a cracker ending.

  • #5

    Neil Elton (TC) (Monday, 03 June 2019 21:22)

    Thandi, I wanted to say your script was fantastic. You have taken an every day scenario and created an exciting gangster short film, with genuine humour. There are some great lines in the story.

  • #6

    Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:28)

    It's very dramatic, could be quite funny. For the timeline it's a lot to squeeze in, and they have cells at most courthouses she might not need to do a full prison break to bust him out, something to consider for a re-write.

  • #7

    Josephine Samson (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 00:18)

    Thandi, I enjoyed reading that. You've packed a lot in which is great. I like the reveal at the end: he's taking a life sentence for her. The only thing I would say is I think the energy / pace of the last bit of action doesn't quite match the rest of the script. Overall, good job.

  • #8

    Theo Schofield (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:08)

    There were some great set pieces in this script. All the events- the trial, even the supershort sequences where we move through the prison- seem to hinge on putting the characters of two individuals under the microscope: Bobby and Daisy. However, this could be a, as well as a great strength, a potential weakness in the story. Character development is, generally, very hard in such a confined space, but it might have been possible to have Daisy regret,( the extent of the regret could be a personal decision), that Bobby takes the rap for her. Generally very good.

  • #9

    Simon Olivier (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 12:29)

    There's lots of good ideas going on here... and a kind of comedy/caper feel is what I got from it... it feels a little uneven in tone as so much is squeezed in... perhaps the realisation of the impact could already be happening at the start of the story - or could even have just happened before the story starts, and we're getting people's reactions to it, while the judge is trying to see the case through... and yes, if he was taken straight into a cell, he would be in the courthouse, with less complicated security... the finale is good, but could perhaps be simplified... to have her break in easily either because everyone has left - or maybe the Judge even secretly helps her, in a moment of 'end-of-the-world sympathy? ... and perhaps the baby doesn't need to be born on screen.. perhaps as she breaks Bobby out, the baby is coming, and he's going to have to deliver it... he's preparing to do so as the film ends... leaving us more with the implications of giving birth to a new life as the world ends... clearly lots to play with here though!

  • #10

    Deborah Espect (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 14:48)

    Pretty ambitious both in terms of production value and how much you're trying to fit in - but it's certainly got the potential to make a great short! I feel maybe the title could be a bit more exciting, to fit in with the script...

  • #11

    Courtney (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 21:32)

    Feel like you've squeezed in a bit too much. I agree with the above statement, would make a good short if given enough time to fulfil it's potential. Especially liked the image of a pregnant woman on the verge of labour breaking into a prison.

  • #12

    Navdip Sandhu (Sunday, 09 June 2019 12:33)

    I do like this story line, the pregnant girl breaking her man out of prison. Lots of scope for for action if it was a feature. But in this context it may be too much for what is just two pages. May be Daisy could attempt to break him out in court just after the verdict. The chaos that ensues after tall learn the fate of the world could be a good opportunity for Daisy to make a rash decision.

  • #13

    Chris Aronsten (Monday, 10 June 2019 06:21)

    I love the ideas you are examing here - which societal conventions remain and which crumble when there is a crisis. Should justice still be done in the face of impending doom? You cover a lot of ground in your script, and I'm wondering if there is a way to distill this drama into just one location? Bobby's prison cell perhaps? The prison van they have both ended up in? That would allow you to concentrate on the relationship at the core of your drama (and be way cheaper!).