When you've got nothing, what do you have to lose?
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Tiffany (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:10)
My only concern about this script is that it is centered around a specific song. I am not sure about costs associated with licensing a song and if a producer may shy away from the script as a result.
I do like the idea of someone singing a song and others randomly joining in and adlib their own personal lyrics. Maybe to avoid the whole issue with music licensing the guy just makes up his own song
and randomly approaches people to add a line on his way home. Could be funny to see how people react.
Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 21:32)
I love how simple and charming this is, very uplifting. I wasn't sure when your line about the voices from all around the world chimed in as to how that would happen, something you might make clearer
in a second draft perhaps. Also the first line wasn't sure whether dingly was a typo?
Teodora (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:05)
I kind of loved the concept of one guy or better still, the whole of mankind, singing together when the world is coming. However, I am not sure how we were supposed to feel - and how is the audience
supposed to feel after watching this? The tone of the script felt funny to me, elated, whereas the original song is sad and dramatic. I think that you could work on the tone. I also think that a
montage of different faces and voices from around the world might add to the dramatic build up - as opposed to one guy singing alone.
Teodora (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:06)
It also wasn't clear to me why the words were changed. The original is: I can feel it coming in the air tonight.
Harriet Riley (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 17:34)
I love this, it's such a humorous approach, and it feels somehow realer and more sincere than many of the 'serious' narratives. I would suggest building out the the action a little more so we get a
feeling for the other people who join the worldwide chorus (say things like 'in a Japanese karaoke bar', 'on a road in the midwest', 'in a bedroom in Buenos Aires'. Because that's where the meat of
this idea is – the shared experience of showing joy in the face of destruction. Also, it reminds me of the Cadbury advert with the gorilla which uses this song
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnzFRV1LwIo). Maybe consider another hit (though of course, I understand why you opted for this one, it's a great choice) but as someone else has mentioned, the cost
of licensing it will be prohibitive to most filmmakers.
Marie (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 09:53)
Thanks for the feedback all. I really appreciate the views. Yes that is a typo... I'm dyslexic. Sometimes errors slip in but I will keep an eye out.
In terms of licensing... If we don't use an original recording and it is just the person singing the words we can avoid large license costs. The drum beat aspect could be an issue as it is so
I had a very particular location in mind when I wrote this. It's an estate near where I live and there are people from all over the world living there, English, Jamaican, Spanish, Brazilian,
Nigerian, Portuguese, Ghanian, English, Cuban etc. In 10mins you can hear a wide range of accents.
Why did the lyrics change? I have to admit that this moment was based on real life. I was walking through the estate last Friday and a man was singing this at the top of his voice in a flat. He got
the lyrics wrong every time. It made me laugh but he sounded really happy singing it and obviously thought he had a fabulous voice...
I like the pathos in the juxtaposition. What struck me with this assignment is you have so little time. You have to accept the situation very quickly. You may as well laugh and employ a little
I need to do some script reading and will look out for your pieces.
Deborah Espect (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 17:23)
I agree with Harriet's comment about the Cadbury's advert - but as you said, you may as well laugh and employ a little sarcasm, so this isn't necessarily a bad thing!
One technical question, on your title page it says Part One - does that mean that you were thinking of extending the script at some point, or making it into your own anthology etc? (But your file
title says Parts 1, 2 & 3 so that's confusing me as well!)
Marie (Thursday, 06 June 2019 14:01)
Thanks for your feedback. It was fun to write and I really enjoyed this assignment.
It is part 1 because I wrote 3 scripts. Not my best move. I got carried away and got a fail because of it. Script 1 wasn't the best of the three (imo).
Chris Aronsten (Monday, 10 June 2019 06:55)
What I like about this script is that you have a character who is alone, unsure how to spend his last moments on earth, and he decides to spend it singing a song he loves. To his surprise, and in
spite of his terrible singing, he finds he is not alone. He finds connection by being himself. Music rights aside, I think that's the core of your story. So maybe consider starting with the man alone
in his tiny little world, facing the end alone, and gradually expand out from there.