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Christopher Dane (Monday, 03 June 2019 18:46)
Not quite sure what's going on here... slightly confusing with the 'meet at the circus' as we're in a Zoo, unless of course the film maker establishes that there is a circus near by? I also struggle
a bit with where we are time wise... what is the dark room that the kids have been playing in? It feels like this is an established shelter or community, but if it's just after the broadcast and
before the impact, which the line "time isn't something we have got a lot of suggests, then that can't be the case... and ultimately what is the point of DAD telling this story? Don't want to be all
negative as I like the setting and build-up and maybe I'm just missing something here?
Tiffany (Monday, 03 June 2019 19:19)
I'm not sure where the story is going? It seems unfinished. Is it that because they are trapped in the underground, he is reflecting on other times that he felt hopeless and what he did to get
through those times? If the reoccurring theme is to meet at the circus could this be moved from the train station entirely and be a story about a dad telling his kids one traumatic story of
separation, while en route to the circus where they will meet a loved one they have been separated from?
Bobby (Monday, 03 June 2019 20:36)
Thanks for taking the time and reading it and for the feedback. Very much appreciated. I guess it's in the last few minutes of existence - a crowd is taking shelter in an underground station - much
like the way they did in the war. The man is telling (possibly) the very last story about a boy who gets lost at the circus. After the destruction of the planet - the boy survives and goes looking
for the place he knows is safe - his family at the circus. The siren has just gone above the underground station - so I don't suppose anyone will complain about the brevity of the story :-) Cheers.
Neil Elton (TC) (Monday, 03 June 2019 21:49)
I wanted to say the pacing of the story was really good. You may want to start the story with DAD (V.O.) "When Sebastian was seven a traumatic thing happened to him". It would add a hook, that would
pull together the non linear storytelling, which is a great idea of yours and would work really well. You have all the makings of a great story.
Leilani Holmes (Monday, 03 June 2019 22:46)
I like the idea that this might be the last story ever told and that he's making it about his own kids, the circus tale falls a bit flat though, so the repetition doesn't really land at the end and I
was a bit confused about the black room they came out of? You could just begin it on the platform with them all seated to give yourself more room for embellishing the storytelling. As nobody survives
Impact 50 I'm assuming the story is just to instil hope?
Bobby (Monday, 03 June 2019 23:52)
Hi Leilani, that's exactly what the dad is up to, trying to sell them hope. :-) Like the hook, Neil, excellent idea. A big thanks again.
Josephine Samson (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 01:26)
Hi Bobby, I must admit I didn't quite get this one when I read it initially but having read the comments on here, including yours, I think I get it now. Perhaps the set up could be clearer when you
introduce the underground platform, i.e. make it clear where we are time wise.
Bobby (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 05:18)
Thanks everyone but I'm making a visual movie rather than telling a 2 minute story. Why does the two minutes have to make sense or be literal? The room doesn't matter - it's about black into white.
Quietness into a noisy fallout shelter where a man is telling a story for the last time. Why does where and who we are matter?
Bobby (Tuesday, 04 June 2019 05:54)
The thing is, I'm only here to have fun and meet great writers. :-) x
Christopher (Wednesday, 05 June 2019 09:18)
Aren't we all, Bobby... but great writers take notes :-)
Bobby (Thursday, 06 June 2019 10:20)
Yeah, you're totally right, it was a bit of a cheek - was trying the 'but it's art' routine which isn't going to fly. Will absorb everyone's input.