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• #1

  Eileen Wilson (Sunday, 23 December 2018 18:59)

  Hi Kodjo,
  Nice to read a script not simply about trauma, or angst due to the situation.
  I would cut the 'Suppose everyone should...' to simply 'Go home...' at the beginning. It's more concise and I think Cecile would want to go too.
  You don't need the 'bastard' as more people are familiar with 'Winner, Winner, chicken dinner'?
  When he holds up the card I'd simply say 'Read it and weep'. Less is more here.
  I wonder if at the end you could say 'It's been a joy' rather than 'a plesh' as it makes more sense too.
  The basic idea of the script is sound but is there any way you could show Toby's dislike of Cecile before he scratches the cards?
  Perhaps, he pen darts her photo, or something. It would up the anti a bit before the end.
  Hope that helps.
  Kind regards,
  Eileen