'Zimzala' by Mark Williams

Two surfers take to the ocean and prepare for the ultimate wave.

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Comments: 8
  • #8

    Rick Limentani (Thursday, 17 January 2019 09:22)

    I like this. Her dialogue in particular is very strong.
    I'd like to know more about their relationship. I assumed they were a couple already, so the kiss didn't surprise me as much as his surprise did. Maybe clear that up at the start. If he's the nebbish friend that fancies her and that's why he's there, it explains him questioning her choice without noticing he's made the same choice.
    I also don't think you need his line about polluting. It can be done with a look, it's more instinctive that way. It's an obviously dumb thing to say, but to just feel the wrongness and react and her to notice that feels more believable.
    Hope that helps. Good stuff.

  • #7

    Mark Williams (Friday, 11 January 2019 19:05)

    Cheers Johnny

  • #6

    Johnny Utah (Friday, 11 January 2019 14:53)

    50 year storm, dude!

    This could be a nice little contemplative/spiritual piece. I like the way he tells her off for littering (since surfers are generally very against that) but of course it doesn't matter any more.

    But I find their relationship a bit confusing. They seem to be a couple, she says she loves him... but she also says he's 'Made it weird'. So I'm not sure if they're a couple, or he's always had the hots for her and she knows it... or what.
    Also, I feel they would've discussed what they're doing for the last hour, catching the big wave etc *before* they paddled 200m out to sea.... Perhaps you can omit that and slip in some juicy subtext about their relationship or something.

    Cheers,
    J.

  • #5

    Mark Williams (Thursday, 10 January 2019 09:34)

    Thanks Eileen and Ben. I’ll revisit with your comments in mind

    Cheers
    Mark

  • #4

    Ben Marshall (Wednesday, 09 January 2019 20:08)

    Hi Mark. Nice idea about catching that last big wave and you've played it well by staging it ahead of the wave coming. The expectation because I expect any description of huge waves would put off a possible filmmaker. If it can be filmed out in open water then will be a great unique setting (one of the films from phase two is filmed on the beach with a surfer so out in water will distinguish it). Nice dialogue and chemistry between them. I would lose the last line about "here it comes" or similar. Bit on the nose. In my view it would work better to describe some disturbance in the water. Possibly a swell or ripple then the realisation in their faces that it's coming - though again no need to show a wave. Good luck with it.

  • #3

    Eileen Wilson (Wednesday, 09 January 2019 18:20)

    Dear Mark
    I like the idea of this script as Neil has hope despite what is about to happen. (Though I don't know how expensive it would be, or the logistics to shoot it.)
    I would start with: Calm Ocean. Sarah and Neil straddle surfboards 200 yards from shore. Sarah removes a plastic bag from her wetsuit and lights a cigarette.
    The lighter is then implied so doesn't need mentioned.
    I'd cut the 'Why?' to save a run on later say 'So... this is really how you want to go?' which may save a line too.
    I'd put "literally" like this.
    A low rumble builds?
    At the end you could be leading with 'You coming?' which is a mite suggestive but fits the cheeky tone of the script?
    Overall, good job as it was a happy ending despite the circumstances.
    Kind regards,
    Eileen


  • #2

    Mark Williams (Sunday, 06 January 2019 16:53)

    Thanks Tom

  • #1

    Tom J Hingley (Saturday, 05 January 2019 14:02)

    Hi Mark
    This is a nice idea on how to end it all - if you are a surfer - on the biggest wave ever! I like that you have caught the impossibility of putting our usual concerns into perspective, knowing what is coming. It also has the advantage of being straightforward to film (??)

    Well done

    Tom


Past drafts...

Download
'Zimzala' by Mark Williams
002-009. Zimzala by M.A. Williams 1.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 29.4 KB